โ the Ninth Step is not about easing my guilty conscience โ
Posted: Thu, May 23, 2013 07:56:12 AM
it is about taking responsibility for the wrongs i have done. so yesterday i had a plan in mind, including planning all of my feelings. as the day went forward and the plan unfolded, the end result veered far from what i had foreseen and my feelings went way out of control. buy the time i walked into the meeting last night, i was so ready to check out by acting out. when i joked about heading up to Black Hawk for some gambling and ending up at an all night stripper bar to round out the evening, i realized that for all of its hyperbole, that joke was a reflection of me reacting to the strong feelings that had become part of my day, yesterday. for me, that was a mild plan of acting out and one that ended up being discarded for a better one, just go home, veg in front of the TV and feelings that i was so dead set against feeling, play themselves out, which of course they did. the upshot? i DO NOT OWE AMENDS to myself or anyone else, as i did no one any harm and i got to be present with my feelings and i did not die.
as i am having difficulty finding anything new or interesting to say about making amends, i think i will concentrate more on what is going on inside of me. this morning, i am numb, which is much better than the pain i felt yesterday. my heart is no longer out on my sleeve to mangle an old clich$#233; and i am okay just being here. i have the desire to get in the shower and head out to work, as well as be present for what today may bring. a friend is speaking tonight and i have two more men that i may end-up guiding through this recovery process, that are currently locked up. so i want to get all of that done as well as add back one of the hours that i had to take off yesterday, but none of that is going to happen unless i sign-off now and get moving into this day. it is a good day to be clean and yes, even when the gift of feelings and being able to care feels like a curse, allowing myself the freedom to feel that is in fact the easier softer way.
the gambling and objectification field trip? well that will just have to wait for another day!
as i am having difficulty finding anything new or interesting to say about making amends, i think i will concentrate more on what is going on inside of me. this morning, i am numb, which is much better than the pain i felt yesterday. my heart is no longer out on my sleeve to mangle an old clich$#233; and i am okay just being here. i have the desire to get in the shower and head out to work, as well as be present for what today may bring. a friend is speaking tonight and i have two more men that i may end-up guiding through this recovery process, that are currently locked up. so i want to get all of that done as well as add back one of the hours that i had to take off yesterday, but none of that is going to happen unless i sign-off now and get moving into this day. it is a good day to be clean and yes, even when the gift of feelings and being able to care feels like a curse, allowing myself the freedom to feel that is in fact the easier softer way.
the gambling and objectification field trip? well that will just have to wait for another day!
∞ DT ∞