Blog entry for:
Thu, May 23, 2013 07:56:12 AM
∗ the Ninth Step is not about easing my guilty conscience ∗
posted: Thu, May 23, 2013 07:56:12 AM
it is about taking responsibility for the wrongs i have done. so yesterday i had a plan in mind, including planning all of my feelings. as the day went forward and the plan unfolded, the end result veered far from what i had foreseen and my feelings went way out of control. buy the time i walked into the meeting last night, i was so ready to check out by acting out. when i joked about heading up to Black Hawk for some gambling and ending up at an all night stripper bar to round out the evening, i realized that for all of its hyperbole, that joke was a reflection of me reacting to the strong feelings that had become part of my day, yesterday. for me, that was a mild plan of acting out and one that ended up being discarded for a better one, just go home, veg in front of the TV and feelings that i was so dead set against feeling, play themselves out, which of course they did. the upshot? i DO NOT OWE AMENDS to myself or anyone else, as i did no one any harm and i got to be present with my feelings and i did not die.
as i am having difficulty finding anything new or interesting to say about making amends, i think i will concentrate more on what is going on inside of me. this morning, i am numb, which is much better than the pain i felt yesterday. my heart is no longer out on my sleeve to mangle an old clich$#233; and i am okay just being here. i have the desire to get in the shower and head out to work, as well as be present for what today may bring. a friend is speaking tonight and i have two more men that i may end-up guiding through this recovery process, that are currently locked up. so i want to get all of that done as well as add back one of the hours that i had to take off yesterday, but none of that is going to happen unless i sign-off now and get moving into this day. it is a good day to be clean and yes, even when the gift of feelings and being able to care feels like a curse, allowing myself the freedom to feel that is in fact the easier softer way.
the gambling and objectification field trip? well that will just have to wait for another day!
as i am having difficulty finding anything new or interesting to say about making amends, i think i will concentrate more on what is going on inside of me. this morning, i am numb, which is much better than the pain i felt yesterday. my heart is no longer out on my sleeve to mangle an old clich$#233; and i am okay just being here. i have the desire to get in the shower and head out to work, as well as be present for what today may bring. a friend is speaking tonight and i have two more men that i may end-up guiding through this recovery process, that are currently locked up. so i want to get all of that done as well as add back one of the hours that i had to take off yesterday, but none of that is going to happen unless i sign-off now and get moving into this day. it is a good day to be clean and yes, even when the gift of feelings and being able to care feels like a curse, allowing myself the freedom to feel that is in fact the easier softer way.
the gambling and objectification field trip? well that will just have to wait for another day!
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
∞ amends and sponsors ∞ 313 words ➥ Monday, May 23, 2005 by: donnotα easing my guilty conscience or taking responsibility Ω 423 words ➥ Tuesday, May 23, 2006 by: donnot
∞ i am not just seeking freedom from remorse ∞ 250 words ➥ Wednesday, May 23, 2007 by: donnot
μ in an effort to purge myself of the guilt i feel for what i have done … 288 words ➥ Friday, May 23, 2008 by: donnot
↔ i might as well face it, i left a trail of destruction in my wake ↔ 603 words ➥ Saturday, May 23, 2009 by: donnot
¢ i never again want to inflict harm on my loved ones ¢ 677 words ➥ Sunday, May 23, 2010 by: donnot
§ i want to be free of my guilt, but § 537 words ➥ Monday, May 23, 2011 by: donnot
¦ i wish to accept responsibility for my actions ¦ 362 words ➥ Wednesday, May 23, 2012 by: donnot
≠ i might as well face it: ≠ 525 words ➥ Friday, May 23, 2014 by: donnot
« and may do little good » 674 words ➥ Saturday, May 23, 2015 by: donnot
∵ amends and ∴ 759 words ➥ Monday, May 23, 2016 by: donnot
∫ not about easing ∬ 1008 words ➥ Tuesday, May 23, 2017 by: donnot
🏚 affecting change 🏜 639 words ➥ Wednesday, May 23, 2018 by: donnot
🏃 seeking freedom 🏃 560 words ➥ Thursday, May 23, 2019 by: donnot
🚔 my guilty conscience 🚓 242 words ➥ Saturday, May 23, 2020 by: donnot
🏁 at the expense 🏟 598 words ➥ Sunday, May 23, 2021 by: donnot
😶 accepting responsibility 😶 423 words ➥ Monday, May 23, 2022 by: donnot
😵 maturity 😲 523 words ➥ Tuesday, May 23, 2023 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 2
1) Who thinks his great achievements poor
Shall find his vigour long endure.
Of greatest fulness, deemed a void,
Exhaustion ne'er shall stem the tide.
Do thou what's straight still crooked deem;
Thy greatest art still stupid seem,
And eloquence a stammering scream.