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helps me face reality! i have to admit, that even with. minute clean, i still have a very rich fantasy life. i often day dream about how i would spend the millions of dollars i would get IF i won POWERBALL or MEGAMillions, even though i know i have a better chance of being struck by lightening. as silly as it sounds, escapism has always been a part of my make-up and although it has been diminished over the course of my recovery, it is still a place where i like to go, when i am less than satisfied with how things are, in the here and now. contrary to popular belief, my physical age is hardly indicative of my emotional age, and at times, i still feel like a very young adult. nevertheless, i do understand the reality of facing old age and i am doing all that i can do, to make that reality less unpleasant and not caving into the notion of “acting my age.”
my reality includes being an addict and as an addict, i often magnify the slightest breath of disrespect into something it is not, the world being totally and absolutely against me! life on its own terms is pretty much the same for everyone i have ever met, a mixture of joy and sorrow, trials, tribulations and successes. when i choose to dive into the fantasy pool, i get an opportunity to change the manner in which i am feeling, for at least a minute and some of the time, that may be exactly what i need. i also have learned that my expectations are fantasy-based, most of the time. when i expect a peer to actually share what is going on in their life, rather than giving me a lecture of what “we” are and what “we” need to do, i have left the real world behind. the fact of the matter is that they have their reasons for closing off what is going on and my disappointment in them being who they are, is cratering into that fantasy world of everyone wanting to be open about who they are. i only get frustrated and in the long run, exercise my elusive right of building what is not, into a resentment.
this morning as i drove into the office, as i do every two weeks, i saw that those around me, no matter how poorly they were behaving on the highways and byways, were doing the best they could with what they have. as i get ready to let go of this little exercise and get my work done, i can see that i, too, fail to meet all the expectations of those who are around me, no matter how “well” i believe i may be doing. my reality is that i am expected to work and give my employer my best, day in and day out. just for today, my job is to be the best i can be and see how well i can live up to their expectations.

∞ DT ∞