Blog entry for:

i may be tempted to share with my loved ones, in gruesome detail, things that are better left unsaid. or with anyone else for that matter, that is anyone who will listen, that has also backfired as bad as making amends, or better put, attempting to make amends without the guidance of my sponsor. i could go on about that, but what i heard in the reading this morning was not just the normal NINTH STEP stuff. yes, that i have to make amends, and make them properly, i get, i accept and i already do, so i could have taken this reading for one of those "preaching to the choir," readings and moved on.
i almost did just that, the only problem is that when i quieted my mind something entirely different came to me. although the idea seem connected, i almost dismissed it as well. the idea? the content of my amends being equivalent to the damage and the difference between making an amends and owning a mistake. i do a TENTH step inventory in a new manner these days, or at least it is new to me, and that process seems to be having an entirely new effect on me. i am now more clear about what my day has been like, although i am less conscious of what i actually did. i know that sounds insane, i FEEL rather than KNOW, and when a FEELING is intense enough i do KNOW. the whole idea of being present for my feelings, while not new to me, is still certainly alien to me. in fact the whole set of steps has taken what i thought a KNEW and turned it into what i NEED to FEEL. that however is a very long and involved topic, although related and interesting, a topic i choose to put off for a different time.
so anyhow, this new TENTH STEP is teaching me the difference between real harm and mistakes that cause a bruised feeling or two. both need to be addressed, and both have their set of pitfalls and caveats. what i have uncovered over the course of this step cycle, is what i perceived as harm, was just bruised feelings, my desire to make amends for bruised feelings is tied to my religious upbringing and the lack of self-esteem that i cane to recovery possessing. as a result i want forgiveness for the sin of being human, all the time, and therefor need to make amends for actions that may have caused pain, but no real damage. so the reading talks about what and how to make amends, by strongly suggesting that i speak to my sponsor. calling someone a princess and telling them the world does not revolve around them, in private, may cause pain, but no real damage. yes i may need to apologize for how is said it, that is my mistake and one that needs to be admitted in a similar fashion, but what i said was how i felt and i never need apologize for my feelings. the trick for me, is learning how to take all these new and old feelings that are suddenly on the surface, and behave in a more civilized manner.
so it is once again that time to hit the streets so i can be a little better than i was yesterday, physically that is. i am certainly grateful i have a sponsor to guide me through the garbage i tell myself, and into another day clean.

∞ DT ∞