Some memes

my judgmental and unforgiving nature and my shame are most often the parts of me that turn out to be far more significant than the dramatic tales i share. i have done FIFTH STEPS with three different sponsors and am working towards doing one with my fourth. i have to admit, the very first one i did, in a fellowship, i was soon to abandon, was hardly as deep or as revealing as any of those i have done since those early days of my period of mere abstinence. i was not ready to trust anyone, so even though i revealed some of who i was, most of it was kept in a very deep and dark cavern with the intention of being sealed off forever. when i finally became a member of the fellowship that sustains me today and actually had the desire to work some sort of program of recovery, rather than just go through the motions, the desire to keep that shit hidden did not go away, but i overcame my fear and scraped of the first layer of detritus towards revealing my true self. BTW, i am not a fucking root vegetable and i hate the metaphor of peeling away the layers. the metaphor i prefer is to see myself as an archeological dig and i have to dig through the layers to find the treasure of myself. sometimes it takes dynamite such as a FIFTH STEP, other times, it is a camel hair brush like a TENTH STEP inventory. if i had my way, every time someone said they were similar to an onion, they would have to eat one. i bet that would trash that metaphor quickly.
i have however, digressed into one of my pet peeves, sorry about that. it is more than a bit disconcerting that it took five FIFTH STEPS before i broke through the denial that i was abused by my mother and that abuse was used to humiliate me as an adult as one of her “funny stories.” i certainly had been privy to dozens of tales of abuse far less damaging through the number of FIFTH STEPS, i had the privilege of being a part of, and yet, my own, lived in a place of shame that defined me for decades, even for the first twenty-five years of my recovery. i always told myself it was not that bad, she did the best she could with what she had and most importantly, i had dealt with it. the fact is, that was probably the last thing locked in the deep, dark cavern that needed to be brought into the light. this FOURTH and FIFTH STEP cycle is dealing directly with the consequence of that abuse and the manner in which i handled it. the lie i lived for decades is: if my Mom, who loves me without conditions, could do this to me, i must be too broken to be around anyone and i need to hide my true self and become what i think those around want to see. that secret shame. i believe, drives me to be less kind and more judgmental of myself than i am of my peers and those around me. when it gets too much, well the shortcomings fly: gossip, character assassination and people-pleasing to name a few.
moving into today, it is time to post this and get my ass rolling over to my home group. i am grateful today that the darkness within me, has a relief valve and i can live in a manner that periodically releases that shit into the bit bucket.

∞ DT ∞