Blog entry for:

one of the things i am really good at is manipulating the truth about myself but only when i am thinking about myself. i was lucky and the need to tell stories about myself to others was removed quite a while ago. no the person i lie to is myself and what i lie about the most is my character defects. somewhere in the course of my socialization i learned that if i thought of myself better than i actually am, i could face the world as that person and actually be better than i am. what a bunch of shit.
today's reading goes right to the heart of that little illusion. i really do not have to much trouble naming my character defects, but like some politicians, i always seem to be running for re-election in my own head. when i choose to spin my behaviors by naming them with an inner political correctness, i can see myself better than i really am. do i like to think of myself as needy? no, i prefer the term "people person." how about controlling? no, i am just extremely helpful. what about manipulative? no, the ends do not justify the means, after all i actually no what is best in most situations and i am only trying to guide the process to that outcome. and i could go on and on and on ad infinitum, each of these traits while necessary for my physical and emotional survival in active addiction were perverted and warped beyond healthy limits in an effort to protect my fragile self-esteem.
today at least my sense of self is no longer in need of being shored-up by these little mind games, i know who and what i am, and yet this behavior persists. so what is an addict like me to do? let go and let GOD take care of this defect too! after all sooner or later i will learn to call inner political correctness by its true name -- LIEING! and i will be able to move on along this path of recovery. perhaps today will be the day it is finally removed, or not. the removal is not my job, my job is to become entirely ready and humbly ask for this behavior to be removed.
∞ DT ∞