โ i lie about my feelings, my beliefs, and my needs, โ
Posted: Mon, Dec 8, 2014 07:31:10 AM
trying to soothe others into compliance with my wishes.
so it has been an interesting forty-eight hours. i have seemed to swing from one end of the spiritual spectrum to another, based on my experiences and interactions with others. yes, i was in the middle of yet another bout of people-pleasing that i had to stop. the magic question, for me anyhow was: “was i willing to reward disrespect anymore?” the answer was NO! HELL NO! and i never ask again! as a result, yesterday i told a friend that they need to fund their way to wherever they believed they needed to go, and they promptly went out and got a new phone. oh i am quite sure that if i asked, there would be a myriad of spin and reasons why that was the most important thing they need to do with their cash. how do i know this? because it is exactly how i would behave. get my hope of manipulating a friend crushed because they finally woke up to what i was doing, why of course -- go shopping.
although this sounds like blame-shifting, and it is, up until now, i really am not a victim here. i willingly signed up for everything i got and stood in line to get some more. if i dig into my motives, there at the heart was my desire to please my friend, regardless of the cost to me. not that i blame them, after all, i am quite intimately knowledgeable about manipulating those who actually care for my well-being, into doing all sorts of things, that i selfishly believe that i NEED. i could spot a co-dependent people-pleaser a mile off, although i did not that, back in the day, my addict instinct found them and i preyed on them unmercifully. i was quite capable of spinning a tale of woe, misery and injustice and just to put a bit of frosting on the cake, play to their emotions by saying that doing this one small thing for me, demonstrated how much of a friend they really were AND after all if the shoe was on the other foot, i would jump to help them out. what they may have eventually discovered was that the roles were NEVER reversed and would never be reversed, as i would continue to be a victim of my own bad choices and come back to them time and again, for one small thing after another, until i drained them of everything that i thought i could get. as ugly as that sounds, i hid my real nature under the cloak of chemical bliss, and came to believe that it was me that moved away from them, not the other way around.
today, the morning after, i feel relived that i finally caught a clue, that i did not need to people-please anymore and what i was doing was enabling bad behavior not helping them out of the hole that they have dug for themselves. finally i let go of my guilt about not doing enough, because when i look over the course of this relationship what i got was nothing and what i gave was more than i was ever willing to give away, my self-respect and self-worth. it is ironic that i ended up on the receiving end of the sick and twisted relationships i used to foster. the reading this morning, draws me into a place of clarity and i will see what happens next. it is a great day to be clean and the time has come to start the journey southwards to work. what will this day bring? i dunno, but whatever it brings i will do my best to experience and cherish it.
so it has been an interesting forty-eight hours. i have seemed to swing from one end of the spiritual spectrum to another, based on my experiences and interactions with others. yes, i was in the middle of yet another bout of people-pleasing that i had to stop. the magic question, for me anyhow was: “was i willing to reward disrespect anymore?” the answer was NO! HELL NO! and i never ask again! as a result, yesterday i told a friend that they need to fund their way to wherever they believed they needed to go, and they promptly went out and got a new phone. oh i am quite sure that if i asked, there would be a myriad of spin and reasons why that was the most important thing they need to do with their cash. how do i know this? because it is exactly how i would behave. get my hope of manipulating a friend crushed because they finally woke up to what i was doing, why of course -- go shopping.
although this sounds like blame-shifting, and it is, up until now, i really am not a victim here. i willingly signed up for everything i got and stood in line to get some more. if i dig into my motives, there at the heart was my desire to please my friend, regardless of the cost to me. not that i blame them, after all, i am quite intimately knowledgeable about manipulating those who actually care for my well-being, into doing all sorts of things, that i selfishly believe that i NEED. i could spot a co-dependent people-pleaser a mile off, although i did not that, back in the day, my addict instinct found them and i preyed on them unmercifully. i was quite capable of spinning a tale of woe, misery and injustice and just to put a bit of frosting on the cake, play to their emotions by saying that doing this one small thing for me, demonstrated how much of a friend they really were AND after all if the shoe was on the other foot, i would jump to help them out. what they may have eventually discovered was that the roles were NEVER reversed and would never be reversed, as i would continue to be a victim of my own bad choices and come back to them time and again, for one small thing after another, until i drained them of everything that i thought i could get. as ugly as that sounds, i hid my real nature under the cloak of chemical bliss, and came to believe that it was me that moved away from them, not the other way around.
today, the morning after, i feel relived that i finally caught a clue, that i did not need to people-please anymore and what i was doing was enabling bad behavior not helping them out of the hole that they have dug for themselves. finally i let go of my guilt about not doing enough, because when i look over the course of this relationship what i got was nothing and what i gave was more than i was ever willing to give away, my self-respect and self-worth. it is ironic that i ended up on the receiving end of the sick and twisted relationships i used to foster. the reading this morning, draws me into a place of clarity and i will see what happens next. it is a great day to be clean and the time has come to start the journey southwards to work. what will this day bring? i dunno, but whatever it brings i will do my best to experience and cherish it.
∞ DT ∞