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defects! this just happens to be, one of those readings that elicit the greatest emotional reaction from me. whether i find that reaction pleasant or unpleasant seems to depend on what sort of spiritual state i happen to be in and where in my eternal cycle of steps i happen to be. today i have to report,. that this reading brought a smile to my lips, as i sat and listened to what i was feeling. what was it that i heard? a whole lot of things, most have to do with stuff i have yet to own up to, or even think about. i realize that i am building a case against my parents as i have worked for two months without a paycheck, even though i knew that the chances of ever seeing any more funds were slim. i VOLUNTEERED to continue to work and yet i feel VICTIMIZED, so now i am some sort of holy fVcking martyr. St. Don, the ever loyal, noble and long-suffering son, kind of has a nice ring to it. 🙆 what defect may that be?
well most of the time these days, it all comes down to the FEAR of someone else, thinking less of me. i still can judge myself through the eyes of others, projecting what i think they see and acting to avoid them seeing what i do not want them to. that art of obfuscation, that i polished so fine in active addiction, is still part of the set of shortcomings that i have not been relieved of yet. knowledge is wonderful and when i catch myself in this mode, my reaction is self-deprecation, self-flagellation and maybe a touch of self-immolation. yes, there is very little balance in this respect and part of what i heard today was that i am on the path to becoming a better person and part of that is to let go, totally and absolutely, od what i think others think of me…
MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE!
although i could continue this exercise of a descent into madness, what i choose to do today is: acknowledge my insanity, look for the means, read POWER that fuels my recovery, to see a way out of it, and rejoin the human race. today, i am a bit more than okay with calling my defects by their real names, what i need to do, is swing back to a bit more softer and kinder versions, so i stop the martyrdom and become just another addict in recovery. after all St. Don is not on the same plane as anyone else! it is a good day to be clean and seek the level ground of sanity and fellowship.

∞ DT ∞