โ calling all defects, โ
Posted: Tue, Dec 8, 2015 07:42:42 AM
defects! this just happens to be, one of those readings that elicit the greatest emotional reaction from me. whether i find that reaction pleasant or unpleasant seems to depend on what sort of spiritual state i happen to be in and where in my eternal cycle of steps i happen to be. today i have to report,. that this reading brought a smile to my lips, as i sat and listened to what i was feeling. what was it that i heard? a whole lot of things, most have to do with stuff i have yet to own up to, or even think about. i realize that i am building a case against my parents as i have worked for two months without a paycheck, even though i knew that the chances of ever seeing any more funds were slim. i VOLUNTEERED to continue to work and yet i feel VICTIMIZED, so now i am some sort of holy fVcking martyr. St. Don, the ever loyal, noble and long-suffering son, kind of has a nice ring to it. 🙆 what defect may that be?
well most of the time these days, it all comes down to the FEAR of someone else, thinking less of me. i still can judge myself through the eyes of others, projecting what i think they see and acting to avoid them seeing what i do not want them to. that art of obfuscation, that i polished so fine in active addiction, is still part of the set of shortcomings that i have not been relieved of yet. knowledge is wonderful and when i catch myself in this mode, my reaction is self-deprecation, self-flagellation and maybe a touch of self-immolation. yes, there is very little balance in this respect and part of what i heard today was that i am on the path to becoming a better person and part of that is to let go, totally and absolutely, od what i think others think of me…
MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE!
although i could continue this exercise of a descent into madness, what i choose to do today is: acknowledge my insanity, look for the means, read POWER that fuels my recovery, to see a way out of it, and rejoin the human race. today, i am a bit more than okay with calling my defects by their real names, what i need to do, is swing back to a bit more softer and kinder versions, so i stop the martyrdom and become just another addict in recovery. after all St. Don is not on the same plane as anyone else! it is a good day to be clean and seek the level ground of sanity and fellowship.
well most of the time these days, it all comes down to the FEAR of someone else, thinking less of me. i still can judge myself through the eyes of others, projecting what i think they see and acting to avoid them seeing what i do not want them to. that art of obfuscation, that i polished so fine in active addiction, is still part of the set of shortcomings that i have not been relieved of yet. knowledge is wonderful and when i catch myself in this mode, my reaction is self-deprecation, self-flagellation and maybe a touch of self-immolation. yes, there is very little balance in this respect and part of what i heard today was that i am on the path to becoming a better person and part of that is to let go, totally and absolutely, od what i think others think of me…
MUCH EASIER SAID THAN DONE!
although i could continue this exercise of a descent into madness, what i choose to do today is: acknowledge my insanity, look for the means, read POWER that fuels my recovery, to see a way out of it, and rejoin the human race. today, i am a bit more than okay with calling my defects by their real names, what i need to do, is swing back to a bit more softer and kinder versions, so i stop the martyrdom and become just another addict in recovery. after all St. Don is not on the same plane as anyone else! it is a good day to be clean and seek the level ground of sanity and fellowship.
∞ DT ∞