๐ค my defects exist ๐ฅ
Posted: Tue, Dec 8, 2020 06:55:54 AM
no matter how i try to slice, dice or julienne it, that is a fact of life. living with that fact has been something i have grown accustomed to doing, over the course of my recovery. sure i want to be **seen** as some sort of model of the recovering addict and have from time to time, worked on suppressing those defects of character, with little to no success. i have attempted to hide them, by naming them for what they are not, to remove the sting and salve my oh so fragile ego. that, too, was unsuccessful. for me, learning accept that those defects are part of who i am is an ongoing process.
as i sat this morning, many ideas floated to the top and popped off the stack. some of them were germane to the topic, many were not. the overarching notion kept coming back to, was my behaviors and dealing with the frustration the last 55 days at work has been. i reacted instead of responded to the negative feedback i was receiving from those who were clueless about how things work. my sleep was affected and i dreaded opening up my work computer and did whatever i could to push back on what i “felt” unreasonable. those days are done and now it is time to patch things up, by admitting how wrong i was during the whole affair. this morning, i can own that i took on the less than stellar performance of the application i support and made it a part of who i think i am. as a result, any critiques or additional scrutiny became personal attacks which i defended against with over-zealous means. today, on the morning after, i can see that i am not my job and even if that application is non-performant, it is not a reflection on who i am. on that note, i think it is time to get up, get out and get some miles under my belt, as that is also who i am, just for today.
as i sat this morning, many ideas floated to the top and popped off the stack. some of them were germane to the topic, many were not. the overarching notion kept coming back to, was my behaviors and dealing with the frustration the last 55 days at work has been. i reacted instead of responded to the negative feedback i was receiving from those who were clueless about how things work. my sleep was affected and i dreaded opening up my work computer and did whatever i could to push back on what i “felt” unreasonable. those days are done and now it is time to patch things up, by admitting how wrong i was during the whole affair. this morning, i can own that i took on the less than stellar performance of the application i support and made it a part of who i think i am. as a result, any critiques or additional scrutiny became personal attacks which i defended against with over-zealous means. today, on the morning after, i can see that i am not my job and even if that application is non-performant, it is not a reflection on who i am. on that note, i think it is time to get up, get out and get some miles under my belt, as that is also who i am, just for today.
∞ DT ∞