Blog entry for:

myself and for others or how i learned to love letting go. okay the third time is the charm!
when i finally decided that maybe, just maybe i might think this recovery gig was something that would work for me and grab me by my short hairs and boots me out of the desperation i felt after eighteen months of mere abstinence, i got a hard core work the steps of die MoFo sponsor. i had had enough of autonomous self-will as all that did was lead me into a basement apartment with a using buddy and a sack of dope that i had paid for and would not be able to imbibe. sitting here, decades later, i can see that i am grateful that my current sponse allows me the opportunity to autonomously exercise self-will and uncover the traps i build for myself. what i also have learned is that i am not only powerless over my own addiction, i am powerless over the addiction of others, no matter how sincere i may be in wanting to help them out of the messes they have created.
i have never been the type to take on a newcomer as a “project” to change how i feel about myself, but i have been a very controlling sponsor and more than once came to a crossroad where it was my way or Bye-Bye. those days are behind me, as i have grown and remembering what power i do not have, allows me to let go of what my sponsees, may or may not do. something i now say, which some may see as cold and cruel is “i am not the one who may use, if you do not do the work.” i know they may find that distasteful, but it is certainly the truth. part of allowing them to be autonomous is to not tie my recovery to the expectations that they will do what they need to do and grow. more than one of the men who call me their sponsor is “stuck” and i find myself asking how i can help. i have to beleve that whatever answer they mau=y give me, is the correct one for the and move along.
today, just for today, i am clean and have the desire to live a spiritual life of active recovery. that means allowing others to be themselves and allowing myself the FREEDOM to not judge them for what they decide to do. it is, after all, all about life in the real world and their choices and mine, provide all sorts of opportunities for growth in real-time and not in theory.

∞ DT ∞