๐ค when i am, ๐ค
Posted: Thu, Sep 11, 2025 11:25:03 AM
plugged in, and ready, i can step through doors as they open, find the right words to match the situation, and otherwise take leaps of faith i was not sure i had in me. on this morning after my clean date anniversary, i am feeling confident, self-assured and present. yesterday, got more than enough love and respect from my peers to boost my ego a bit and not too much to send my ego over the top. sitting on my back porch enjoying a huge cigar, i am more than certain that i am going to ask for a job at the cigar store, if we can work out the hours. that however, is a task for tomorrow.
this issue of self-support is a bit confusing to me from time to time, as when i came to recovery i believed i was self-sufficient and took that imported that belief as self-support. even today, i drop back into that mode, such as when i had the desire to use a little over a year ago, after getting my diagnosis of melanoma. i knew that i could reach out and ask for help, but deep down, my FEAR of looking weak and feeble, reverted self-support to self-sufficiency and i was truly all fuckered up. if not for my daily program of active recovery and my deep abiding FAITH in the program of recovery that has given me this new way of life to surrender to, i am sure, relapse would have been part of my ongoing story. today, i get that i was using my clean time as a weapon against myself, instead of reveling in the fact i had accumulated it a day at a time. looking back at my arrogance and fear of what others might think, i know that i am far from cured.
anyhow, before i start this for the fourth or fifth time, i think it is time to post it, as-is and move on to the task at hand. FANTASY FOOTBALL! gret day to be clean, just for today.
this issue of self-support is a bit confusing to me from time to time, as when i came to recovery i believed i was self-sufficient and took that imported that belief as self-support. even today, i drop back into that mode, such as when i had the desire to use a little over a year ago, after getting my diagnosis of melanoma. i knew that i could reach out and ask for help, but deep down, my FEAR of looking weak and feeble, reverted self-support to self-sufficiency and i was truly all fuckered up. if not for my daily program of active recovery and my deep abiding FAITH in the program of recovery that has given me this new way of life to surrender to, i am sure, relapse would have been part of my ongoing story. today, i get that i was using my clean time as a weapon against myself, instead of reveling in the fact i had accumulated it a day at a time. looking back at my arrogance and fear of what others might think, i know that i am far from cured.
anyhow, before i start this for the fourth or fifth time, i think it is time to post it, as-is and move on to the task at hand. FANTASY FOOTBALL! gret day to be clean, just for today.
∞ DT ∞