Some memes

over dinner with friends last night, we spoke of many things. among the topics we spoke about was a bit of **where are they now,** discussion. we stumbled into that topic thorough simple question of how to help motivate someone into taking an active part in their life and their recovery. the discussion was a lively one, going through more than a few of our peers that had “moved on.” as i sat last nigh and contemplated what was said what i came up with was that for a time in their lives they needed the fellowship and its members to get something they could not achieve for themselves, namely an to the most obvious symptom of addiction, the uncontrollable use of drugs.
this morning as i read the reading and sat with it for nearly twenty minutes, i felt that once upon a time, that was all i really wanted from the fellowship and that if i chose to, i could move on with my life today. that is, of course, if my goal was to merely find the FREEDOM from my obsessive and compulsive use of substances. once upon a time, i did not even DESIRE that result, all i wanted was to be freed from the judicial system. once accomplished that, for the most part, through simple abstinence and a glancing effort at living a program, i realized that i could have more, much more. in fact i began to realize that i was limiting how far i could go, by not surrendering to the program and opening my heart and mind. as the fog of denial cleared and i begin to see how much more there was, i decided to become a member and learn how to live the new life i was being offered. i began to believe that my horizons were limitless and unlike those peers have moved on in their lives, i stayed, because i was far from satisfied and wanted to see how much further i could go.
today on the eighth day of abstinence from nicotine, i am starting to see that too is only possible because of the program of recovery i am embarked upon, just for today. what i am getting is some clarity about how much power that substance has over me yet today. if i was truly free, i would not even be counting the days any more, as it would just be a fact of life. it is a fact of just for today and for today, i can be okay with that. as the days pass and the desire continues to fade, i wonder if this too, will just be something i view as a “once upon a time” sort of event and wonder why i allowed it to take such a hold of me. after all, i am quite certain that i am an addict and that the only reason i have the life i have, is because i CHOOSE a path of recovery on a daily basis, just for today. there will be no “pomp and circumstance” for me today as i will be continuing my recovery journey, at least for this day of my life.

∞ DT ∞