Blog entry for:

the power given me by the POWER that fuels my recovery, what i can do and where i can go, is only limited by my human failings. yesterday i was quite blunt in telling someone that the time had come for them to step up and do a bit of work in our relationship. in the meeting this morning one of my peers shared that one of his character defects was being a “rescuer,” and that nailed what i have been feeling over the past few days. i have never been Captain Save-A-Ho, but i certainly have put a whole lot more into many of my relationships than the other party has, especially when it comes to being a sponsor. my whole mind-fuckery about telling someone i was unwilling to sponsor them, without “tempering” the blow with all sort of caveats, is quite new for me. as i walked this morning i had the notion that i should write at least one more letter outlining the litany of sins i have suffered as a result of someone else's participation in building an equal relationship. as i sat and listened to my home group, i saw that unless asked, “piling on” was not something i was going to do. i also had to let go of the notion that somehow i was a victim, rather than i was doing my best to “rescue” someone from the pit of their selfish self-obsession. the cold hard truth that i am truly powerless to rescue anyone, and if i do, i NEED to take responsibility for a whole boatload of stuff that i cannot possible ever accomplish.
as i pound out this little ditty, i am struck by the notion that no matter what i believe that simple fact is i can only give away, what i have and these days i certainly do not have the patience or serenity of any spiritual guru or sage. what i do have, is the willingness to be of service and guide those who are willing to be guided and take responsibility for their lives, in real-time and not just after they have been caught and outed. i am worth more than being someone's garbage can. i am worth more than tying my self-worth to the success of others and i do not need to build myself up by sharing how wonderfully i live my life. the fact is, i fVck up all the time, as i am only human. the truth is i am more than a collection of character defects and assets. i am a whole spiritual being who is working through the ways and means to become more than i ever imagined, just for today.

∞ DT ∞