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in a new way, is not always comfortable. the FOURTH STEP journey i am currently embarked upon has been augmented by the events of the past six months, and my experience over the weekend, has certainly opened my eyes, to what i am and what i may become. well, this does not happen often, but this morning i am at a loss for words about this topic, so i think i will just move on.
in my early recovery, those who were in the rooms when i got here, kept telling me that i was “limited” by my “disease.” i took that notion and twisted into a justification for not embracing any sort of change, after all, they also said addiction was incurable. in the bliss of that immutable “truth” i could wallow in all sorts of fantasies and be more than okay, with where i was. spinning that into the cocoon of my denial, kept me apart from the fellowship for those first eighteen months, after all, they all could see where they were going, and i would not open my eyes to the possibilities of life in recovery. i went through the motions in that first set of steps, but never dipped down into what and who i was. that was a journey, i was quite certain, did not need to be undertaken. when i did my next FOURTH STEP, things started to change and i begin to see that addiction was just part of who i am. probably immutable, but certainly not as limiting as i would have liked to believe.
over the past few days, as i have sought to reconnect with those i consider my friends, i am finding a certain sense of satisfaction and a greater understanding of why they are in my life. no, not any sort of fate or destiny, but certainly the warmth of knowing they care and that i care about them. opening myself up, once again, “feels” like the next right thing to do and the FEAR of being rejected or spurned, because i took those relationships for granted, is being diminished, as i walk through it and find myself on the other side. i am good this morning and i am once again seeing something more than the mundane details of day-to-day living, being revealed. who knows, maybe the call i make today, will be to my sponsor to let him know that i am okay and need a bit of his time over the course of the next few weeks, as my pathg through this FOURTH STEP has actually been revealed.

∞ DT ∞