๐ seeing myself ๐
Posted: Thu, Dec 3, 2020 06:50:33 AM
in a new way, is not always comfortable. the FOURTH STEP journey i am currently embarked upon has been augmented by the events of the past six months, and my experience over the weekend, has certainly opened my eyes, to what i am and what i may become. well, this does not happen often, but this morning i am at a loss for words about this topic, so i think i will just move on.
in my early recovery, those who were in the rooms when i got here, kept telling me that i was “limited” by my “disease.” i took that notion and twisted into a justification for not embracing any sort of change, after all, they also said addiction was incurable. in the bliss of that immutable “truth” i could wallow in all sorts of fantasies and be more than okay, with where i was. spinning that into the cocoon of my denial, kept me apart from the fellowship for those first eighteen months, after all, they all could see where they were going, and i would not open my eyes to the possibilities of life in recovery. i went through the motions in that first set of steps, but never dipped down into what and who i was. that was a journey, i was quite certain, did not need to be undertaken. when i did my next FOURTH STEP, things started to change and i begin to see that addiction was just part of who i am. probably immutable, but certainly not as limiting as i would have liked to believe.
over the past few days, as i have sought to reconnect with those i consider my friends, i am finding a certain sense of satisfaction and a greater understanding of why they are in my life. no, not any sort of fate or destiny, but certainly the warmth of knowing they care and that i care about them. opening myself up, once again, “feels” like the next right thing to do and the FEAR of being rejected or spurned, because i took those relationships for granted, is being diminished, as i walk through it and find myself on the other side. i am good this morning and i am once again seeing something more than the mundane details of day-to-day living, being revealed. who knows, maybe the call i make today, will be to my sponsor to let him know that i am okay and need a bit of his time over the course of the next few weeks, as my pathg through this FOURTH STEP has actually been revealed.
in my early recovery, those who were in the rooms when i got here, kept telling me that i was “limited” by my “disease.” i took that notion and twisted into a justification for not embracing any sort of change, after all, they also said addiction was incurable. in the bliss of that immutable “truth” i could wallow in all sorts of fantasies and be more than okay, with where i was. spinning that into the cocoon of my denial, kept me apart from the fellowship for those first eighteen months, after all, they all could see where they were going, and i would not open my eyes to the possibilities of life in recovery. i went through the motions in that first set of steps, but never dipped down into what and who i was. that was a journey, i was quite certain, did not need to be undertaken. when i did my next FOURTH STEP, things started to change and i begin to see that addiction was just part of who i am. probably immutable, but certainly not as limiting as i would have liked to believe.
over the past few days, as i have sought to reconnect with those i consider my friends, i am finding a certain sense of satisfaction and a greater understanding of why they are in my life. no, not any sort of fate or destiny, but certainly the warmth of knowing they care and that i care about them. opening myself up, once again, “feels” like the next right thing to do and the FEAR of being rejected or spurned, because i took those relationships for granted, is being diminished, as i walk through it and find myself on the other side. i am good this morning and i am once again seeing something more than the mundane details of day-to-day living, being revealed. who knows, maybe the call i make today, will be to my sponsor to let him know that i am okay and need a bit of his time over the course of the next few weeks, as my pathg through this FOURTH STEP has actually been revealed.
∞ DT ∞