Some memes

admit it or not, i have been known to avoid newcomers because i see myself in them. in fact, there are times i am so averse to being asked to sponsor a newcomer, i will let my peers approach them and stay in the background. true fact and one that i am not proud of it. over the past year i am two for three, one sponsee and two that moved on, when i was the one to welcome them to the fellowship and do a bit of TWELVE STEP work. there was a time when i believed that the number of men i sponsored was some sort of status symbol and as a result, i have more than a few who asked me and never did any work or even stuck around. of course, since it was all about my ego, i was butt hurt as hell when they walked away from me. the lesson that i painfully learned was that i am as powerless over their addiction, as i am of my own.
these days, i still have way more sponsees than i probably ought to have and i no longer believe that every time i am asked it is my Higher Power's will for me to sponsor them. the blessing in that, is most of them are not doing a whole lot of work, as they have clean time and their lives appear to be balanced, and it seems only one or two of them get really sick and tired at the same time.
for me, it felt as if my world was turned upside down when i decided that i was tired of having a sponsor in name only. i had the same sponsor for decades and worked a few round of steps with him. as i grew long in tooth in clean time, i started to hide behind phone calls and texts, knowing full well that maybe, just maybe, i was not getting everything i needed to grow. i chose to stay where i was, because i was afraid to start over with someone new and being a less than stellar, socially adept person, starting relationships of this type is stuff i try and avoid. i am grateful after a few months and a few steps that i took that plunge and i feel like i am growing once again. it is not as if i was backsliding into relapse, but i was not blossoming into something more.
anyhow after a challenging day of work, a walk, dinner and a massage, i really do not remember what i heard or felt at five AM this morning. i did know that it was one of those mornings when i went deep down and came back relaxed, cool calm and collected. i also know that as i wind down this evening, i have a chance to win at least one of my fantasy leagues, so it is time to post this ditty and see what happened in the world today.

∞ DT ∞