Some memes

of the program can become weapons if i choose to use them that way. once again i stepped out of the very safe box of the daily reading and picked a random passage, quite randomly from another work of recovery literature. as odd it may seem, this was exactly the source material i required today. the topic of discussion at my home group was week was the SIXTH STEP, which is the only step i hate. as i listened to the quiet of the void this morning, i can see why i hate it so much. becoming entirely ready to have my defects of character removed, for me anyhow, means living in them and their consequences. those consequences in my case mean that i get to beat myself up for being less than perfect or even close to doing the next right thing. i GET the opportunity to pile on and the part of me i call addiction whispers to me that this is evidence that i am not actually getting any better. the step[ becomes of perfect storm of self-deception, self-immolation and self doubt. fear, uncertainty and doubt take over and i feel sicker than ever. certainly not a state of being i enjoy, even if it gets me to the relief of STEP SEVEN.
i know i have defects of character, but that hardly makes me a defective character. i know that some of my peers try to soften the blow of the whole concept and perhaps that is what i need to do, when i approach STEP SIX on this round of steps. i know that for me anyhow, burying the truth is softer and kinder language creates a state of denial, rationalization and justification. i may not relapse, but i will lapse in my spiritual program, which is never a good thing. when i decide to take the sting out of the language i use, i may be more attractive to my peers and my message may carry a bit further, but i am not being true to myself. it is that same vein that the SIXTH STEP pounds my self-esteem, i want to soften the blow, even though i am quite sure that is not what i really need. what i seek is balance between being honest with myself and being brutal. somewhere there lies a sweet spot where i can live productively and finding hat is a great task for this round of steps.
today and just for today, however, i can live in the moment and recognize when the judge, jury and executioner is taking control and driving me out of that sweet spot i am trying to find. being kinder to myself with coddling myself, lies in that spot as well. as i walk through today, i can certainly remember that i am worth more that what i tell myself and i can be more that i see in myself. in fact i can actually trust others when they say they see more in me, than i do myself, as i am biased towards denigrating and demeaning myself, rather than building myself up.

∞ DT ∞