๐คฏ being true to ๐คฏ
Posted: Wed, Jun 17, 2026 11:40:52 AM
my word, supportive of others, and open to intimacy will foster my becoming more trustworthy. there was once a time where i was never trustworthy. sketchy, flaky, unreliable and unavailable would better describe my state of being, when i arrived in the rooms. trusting and trustworthy, not so much. i believed if i was hiding something and not trustworthy, than no one else was. i was certain that everyone else had an agenda and it would not align with mine. imagine my surprise when i finally came to and saw that those who were in the rooms when i got there had an agenda and that was to show me a path to freedom from active addiction. that did not build trust at first, but it did crack the wall of my denial and belief structure.
my relationship with my first sponsor after accepting that i had a problem and i might want a way out of it, and not my legal issues, started me off on the path to seeing that perhaps i could learn to trust. although that relationship ended badly and violated my assumption that he would be there for me, he never violated my trust. what it did do, was to put me into the arms of the man who would sponsor me over the next couple of decades and who taught me that trust had no strings and that i could start to become trusting and hence more trustworthy. i call this phase my trust but verify phase and although it still placed a curtain between me and my peers, it was not a wall.
that curtain has been tossed into the bit bucket and as i continue to grow, trust but verify is becoming less and less important. i have not become naive and yes the cynic in me still lives, but he has less voice that he used to. every now and again i want to revert to the pattern that was my life before recovery, doubting everything and everyone. then i remember that i did not die when i retired. i did not becomes useless and i did not put my life on hold. what i became was more and it has taken most of this year to see that. yes i would like a cushion and a soft landing, but the order of my life is no longer dependent on that happening. i am comfortable with what i have and for right now, that and my FAITH in my recovery program will sustain me.
my relationship with my first sponsor after accepting that i had a problem and i might want a way out of it, and not my legal issues, started me off on the path to seeing that perhaps i could learn to trust. although that relationship ended badly and violated my assumption that he would be there for me, he never violated my trust. what it did do, was to put me into the arms of the man who would sponsor me over the next couple of decades and who taught me that trust had no strings and that i could start to become trusting and hence more trustworthy. i call this phase my trust but verify phase and although it still placed a curtain between me and my peers, it was not a wall.
that curtain has been tossed into the bit bucket and as i continue to grow, trust but verify is becoming less and less important. i have not become naive and yes the cynic in me still lives, but he has less voice that he used to. every now and again i want to revert to the pattern that was my life before recovery, doubting everything and everyone. then i remember that i did not die when i retired. i did not becomes useless and i did not put my life on hold. what i became was more and it has taken most of this year to see that. yes i would like a cushion and a soft landing, but the order of my life is no longer dependent on that happening. i am comfortable with what i have and for right now, that and my FAITH in my recovery program will sustain me.
∞ DT ∞