๐ฑ living a daily ๐ฑ
Posted: Tue, Jun 17, 2025 09:26:12 AM
program of active recovery means that i am no longer paying the high price of low living. it is a relief to not have to peek around corners or constantly look over my shoulder to make sure there is no one ready to waylay me for one or more of the shady things i “allegedly” did to them, the least of which just might be, fudging the truth by omitting one or two crucial details. i trusted no one and of course, no one trusted me, at least after getting a taste of who i was. it is far from surprising that those traits did not instantly vanish when i got clean, nor did the self-destruct sixty seconds after i finally started my recovery. bit by bit, day by day, as i came to accept the spiritual principles of the program, i got better and started to leave low living behind me.
i write all around this stuff, but coming to be trustworthy and trusting were not the easy changes i have ever made in my life. FEAR drove me to hiding behind my wall of obfuscation and assumptions drove me to believe everyone else did as well. what that got me was a whole lot of wasted time and effort trying to be h-what i was not and hiding what i was. i may have sweated my ass off trying so hard, but it was no better than being on a treadmill, because no matter how hard i worked at it, i still did not go anywhere. once i accepted that even though i was far from any sort of ideal person and allowed others to see that and guide me towards becoming the person i desired to be, stuff started happening. i started to grow and saw the path to my “salvation.”
this morning, as i walked my five or so miles, i got up the nerve to ask for my last day of work to be moved up by a day. i did not expect any issues but i was afraid to ask, as i am not leaving on the best of terms. i doubt they will blackball me or even give me a bad rehire code, but i certainly do not want to burn any bridges on my way out. they are trusting me to give them, what i owe them and i am willing to do just that. as that day approaches, i am confident that i will get the stuff done that i have been asked to do. i may not have ever fit in as part of the team, but i did learn a whole shitload about how things work and to understand that big cable TV is not a field in which i have the desire to work, just for today.
i write all around this stuff, but coming to be trustworthy and trusting were not the easy changes i have ever made in my life. FEAR drove me to hiding behind my wall of obfuscation and assumptions drove me to believe everyone else did as well. what that got me was a whole lot of wasted time and effort trying to be h-what i was not and hiding what i was. i may have sweated my ass off trying so hard, but it was no better than being on a treadmill, because no matter how hard i worked at it, i still did not go anywhere. once i accepted that even though i was far from any sort of ideal person and allowed others to see that and guide me towards becoming the person i desired to be, stuff started happening. i started to grow and saw the path to my “salvation.”
this morning, as i walked my five or so miles, i got up the nerve to ask for my last day of work to be moved up by a day. i did not expect any issues but i was afraid to ask, as i am not leaving on the best of terms. i doubt they will blackball me or even give me a bad rehire code, but i certainly do not want to burn any bridges on my way out. they are trusting me to give them, what i owe them and i am willing to do just that. as that day approaches, i am confident that i will get the stuff done that i have been asked to do. i may not have ever fit in as part of the team, but i did learn a whole shitload about how things work and to understand that big cable TV is not a field in which i have the desire to work, just for today.
∞ DT ∞