Blog entry for:

to get help to end my suffering was not a concept that i understood when i walked into the rooms, after all my problem was legal and not addiction, as i was quite certain i could stop anytime i CHOSE to do so. it took more than a few days to see that at the root of all my problems, legal or otherwise was my addiction. across the course of my recovery, the walls of denial were slowly, yet surely demolished leaving only bits and pieces of what i thought i “knew” when i got clean, that still surface every now and again, even with a minute in recovery. today i “get” that the part of me i call addiction is not going away and what i carried into the rooms, remains firmly entrenched in my identity, even though i have learned how to live a life in active recovery. those who have walked into the rooms after me, feed my HOPE, each day, that i have chosen the correct path and that each day, just for today, i can live honestly and comfortably in my skin. speaking of which:

Reese F.
CONGRATS on TWENTY-TWO (22) years clean!

as i listened this morning, i tripped down memory lane to a place where i once thought i “HAD” to do this recovery gig, perfectly. when i stepped off that “golden” path, the excuses would fly and i would do everything in my power to cover my tracks. woe to those who attempted to provide any feedback, as i was not in a place to see that as anything but attacks on my integrity. being on the constant lookout to defend myself, especially in front of those i wanted respect from, created a very lonely and solitary period of my life, almost as isolating as my late stage active addiction. if no one saw me, no one could comment on my less than stellar behavior. it took a minute for me to realize that not a soul walks a perfect path of recovery and that i was only human.
this morning that less than nostalgic recall gave me a chuckle and i see it as quite an accomplishment that i stayed clean and learned how to live a program of recovery. the newcomer i saw at my home group on Saturday deserves the freedom to recover in the manner he wishes to, no matter how “wrong” i think it may be. just as the members who were here when i got clean, encouraged me to keep coming back, even though it was quite obvious that i had no desire to do so, i now understand that it took what it took for me to find my home here and others deserve a similar chance.
it is a good day to be looking at the effect others in the fellowship had on me, way back when and certainly the effect that they have today. with that in mind, it is time to send off my daily txts, refill my coffee cup and get to work, after all that is the next correct set of tasks for me to accomplish, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞