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myself with respect, is of course something that i had to learn how to do, even though i was more than certain that i was doing just that, way back when. it is true that i thought i was being respectful of myself and my needs when i was running and smoking a pack of cigarettes every day, just as i thought i was being respectful of myself when i stopped using a needle and just “snorted” the substances that i felt made me “whole.” day after day, just for today, as the fog cleared and i saw the damage i was doing to myself, i learned how to be respectful of myself and in return, i became far more respectful to those around me. when i started to find the ways and means to see myself as more than just an addict in recovery, but embrace that as part of who i was, i started to see myself and others in a whole new light. watching my friend spin down the tubes over the past few weeks, has certainly opened my eyes to what could be my fate, if i chose to walk away from recovery and pretend that this stuff was something i could do all on my own, with little or no outside intervention or help.
i, however, have made the choice that just for today, i will stay clean, no matter what. as trivial as that may seem for someone who has been doing this gig, day after day, for thousands of days in a row, it still is the base from which i started today. my friend has demonstrated what lack of respect for who i am and what i may become, may do for me as well, as i am not “better” or “different” from him, just more determined to stay alive and thrive.
once upon a time, i certainly did believe that the odds were stacked against me and that i was owed the chance to succeed. i enjoyed finding the ways and means that i was being trod upon and whining to all within earshot about what a victim i was. today, as i get closer to getting out and about, i refuse to be a victim to anything anymore, if it is within my power to do so. part of treating myself with respect to learning to differentiate between that which i have power over and that which i do not. i have absolutely no power over addiction, mine or anyone else's. i have limited power over how someone may behave and them accepting the consequences of their decisions. the beat could go on and on and on, the simple fact of this matter is about the only thing i have any power over, is deciding what i may do next, how i behave and choosing to respond, rather than react to the feelings that may come up, during the course of my day. all that i am and all that i will be, comes down to how well i treat myself today, just for today. i get where my friend ended-up and hopefully he is doing the next correct thing. for me, living without hope would lead to a place where i could not and would not respect who i was becoming and rely on a chemicals and a set of behaviors to dull that pain. today, no matter how bleak the outlook my hope lies in that fact that i have decided to do what it takes to stay clean and do my best to live the principles of recovery that i have been given.
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∞ DT ∞