Some memes

my situation with gratitude, i have the opportunity to find hope for my future. right now, i certainly could be spinning down a hole, as i will be unemployed two weeks from today, and may still living in the uncertainty of what is going on with my prostate cancer. as it looks right now, things might seem a bit bleak. so here is where i can vacillate between “Donnie Downer” and “Susie Sunshine” modes, as i have done in the past. i i=understand living life in the end of the long tail, going from one extreme to another, seeing the world through binary lenses of black and white, and today, i choose not to go there. do i believe in my heart of hearts that everything is going to be okay? maybe. do i believe that this is the beginning of the end of the comfortable life i have built? not necessarily. i have a bit of a financial cushion, i still have my health and my wits about me and most importantly i have a program of recovery that gives me the ability to lift myself out of the morass of self-pity and self-deprecation. that will not make me immune to pain, but it certainly may provide me the ability to see my way clear to taking the next step, whatever that happens to be, when it is revealed to me. 🙃
a year ago, i was railing against the divine doctor syndrome with which one of my medical providers happened to be infected. since moving on from that one time visit, i have found a team of providers who are more than willing to say that they do not know, pending further investigation. case in point, mu urologist who is confused about the conflicting results that we have seen the the tests i have had in the past four months, what should not be, is and he is not certain if that is just a fluke or something has kicked into high gear. of course, his uncertainly, is fueling my angst and worry and the fact that it has been nearly two weeks and i have not heard from anyone about making an appointment for imaging, is a bit concerning. i do believe that i will step out self-will in this matter and see what happens in the next few days. in the mean time, i will keep doing what i have been doing and trust that in this instance, things may be happening that i have no clue about and will turn out to be working in my favor.
before the day's heat starts to build up, i think i will go out for a run, to clear my head and to burn off some of the worry and concern that has surfaced as i pounded out this exercise. the future may not be knowable, but there are elements that are predictable, the first being if i want to weigh less than one-hundred and ninety pounds, i have to continue to make healthy choices in living. if i want to live free from active addiction, this addict needs to live a program of active recovery. if i want better things in my life, i have to be present and take the opportunities that come down the pike, just for today.

∞ DT ∞