Some memes

feel more normal, more comfortable in my own skin and, most importantly, created a buffer to keep me safe from intimacy and vulnerability. living in abject fear of someone seeing who i was and what i was all about deep down, certainly kept me isolated. isolation and being alone were consequences i was more than willing to accept to prevent revealing my too broken for prime-time self. using also seemed to enhance my social skills, but the reality is that using actually retarded my social growth and fed my social anxiety and unease. as the shrink who diagnosed me, way back when, using kept me from being an agoraphobic. whether she was correct or not, matter very little today, as i have the desire to be who i am, in exactly the skin i have today.
contemplating my plans for this day, as i enjoy a cigar, i know that the recruiter is going to offer yet another job at Charter, which i will respectfully decline, as i have no desire to return to that corporate culture. i am beginning to wonder if the opportunity i truly desire is in the cards. i have another month before i have to start bringing home the bacon, i would however, like to have something in the works before that deadline approaches. in the meantime, i will keep doing my daily routine and take a break on Wednesday for a few hours to add back a meeting to my weekly diet, one that has been very lean on meetings over the past few years.
what is next this morning? well getting this up so i can concentrate on what the recruiter may be offering. certainly putting in a few applications and honing my job skills and depth of understanding. i really am okay today, revealing who i am in the here and now, as i now know that i am not now and more than likely never have been too broken for polite company. i may call myself weird or eccentric, but i do not see those as labels that cast me in a negative light, in fact i can revel in that fact that i am quite unique and yet can be connected to a fellowship full of others, just like me.

∞ DT ∞