Some memes

is the ultimate weapon against my alienating, isolating, destructive disease. i have said it more than once that i am not a fan of the disease concept of addiction. that being said, i also wanted to use the source file seed in its raw form, so there you have it. when i came to the rooms, i believed i was too broken to be seen, base don the lie i told myself for decades on end. sharing, therefore was a very risky business for me. i told myself time and again what i was willing to risk and what i would never risk.as a result i allowed myself to be safe in the cocoon of isolation even when i was in the rooms. i acted as-if i wanted to be a part of and craved being a part of, but always stopped when things got too close to my “true” self. hiding in plain sight was my default behavior, one that i learned very young and one that carried e through to my last FIFTH STEP. only after revealing my self in that conversation with my sponsor, did i become willing to show who i was. the caveat is, after decades of being whatever, i was not sure who that person was. ironic is it not that in my sixties i did not know who i was and what i wanted to be when i grew up. today, i may still be missing the whole picture BUT, and yes it is a big one, i am willing to be that person, even if i am still uncovering him.
as i sat and listened this morning, i kept coming back to the notion that for me, being connected to the world around me is better than hiding in isolation. it is true, i still like being alone and living in a world where not everyone knows everything about me. the difference is in that not everyone has to see all of me. at work most of my customers and teammates do not know that i am clean and in a TWELVE STEP program of recovery and they do not need to know that fact. i can still be authentic and genuine in those situations without breaking my anonymity. i walk through life comfortable in that identity and it does influence how i choose to interact with others. one of the biggest changes is that i have come to a place where bigots and racists are not among those i choose to be a huge part of my life. i tolerate and accept them for who they are and treat them with kindness and courtesy, just as i would want them to treat me. i may not find their humor funny and for one of my customers that is off-putting. i have no qualms about that behavior, as it is me just being me and not someone who has to pretend to be someone i am not.
coming from a place of being totally closed off to the world to one of situational intimacy is a great leap forward. i probably will continue to have a public facing persona and in the rooms and my intimate relationships, be my true self. the rooms have taught me that hiding and isolating will not lead me to a place of balance. in my life today, i value connection over hiding and being a person of substance over playing the crowd. at work i have the ability to be myself and find a place where i am comfortable with what i show without spinning down into overthinking and acting a role, just for today.

∞ DT ∞