๐ i hoped for ๐
Posted: Sat, Jun 20, 2026 09:15:33 AM
easy answers to my problems when i attended our first meeting, i was seeking a quick fix, some simple formula to a way to use without consequence; with that, i would be on my way. what i got instead was a way of life based on spiritual principles and behaving my way into better thinking. it truly amazed me that once i stopped using, my life did not become perfect, but it incrementally became more tolerable. i adamantly want to deny that i can carry a message of recovery, just by being an active part of the fellowship and sharing honestly about who i am, where i am and what i am struggling with today. as much as i want to walk away from that notion, the truth is, that when i got clean, i saw those with long term recovery as some sort of paragons of recovery virtue. i know today, that they, like me, are still addicts who are in recovery doing our level best to live the best lives we can muster out of the ashes of active addiction.
the notion that i carry a message of recovery, just by walking into the room and being who i am, is a disturbing one for me. once upon a time, i would have relished that sort of attention and even now there is a element of pride i can carry when i consider the sheer number of days i have been doing this gig, in one form or another. these days, the pedestal of clean time is an uncomfortable one for me, as i still want to be me, and not perform like a trained seal. what i was and what i am are in a constant battle over this and i am often tempted to gloss over what i am struggling with and enhance what i find totally acceptable in my life. i am tempted to “share for the newcomer,” and look a whole lot better than i actually am. in the long run, most of the time, the real me emerges and i share the same message i always share:
on my TENTH STEP last night, i had to admit i felt a bit of joy over the hardship of one of my co-workers. he was upset he only got three shifts next week and he would be talking to the new manager about that next week. what he fails to see, is that he is the last hired and hence the lowest person on the totem pole, hence he gets what is left over after the rest of us express our desires. we did not create his self made suffering and i am not responsible for relieving it. the one thing i have noticed about how he lives his life is that he fails to take any sort of proactive action to lift himself out of his dire situation. in fact, he constantly defers action to create a life for himself. i might feel a bit more sympathy for him, if only… i will not, however, give up any of my shifts to help him out, he could have made different choices and being in a “dark place” does not excuse any of the poor choices he made, no matter how he tries to spin it. i have heard that before and most of the time it has come from a sense of entitlement of what someone felt they were “owed.”
today, through the practice of my recovery program i know i am not “owed” anything more than what i earn. i get another day clean, because i take the actions i need to stay clean another day. just for today, i will accept that how i carry and present myself, quite possibly is the strongest way that i carry the message of recovery.
the notion that i carry a message of recovery, just by walking into the room and being who i am, is a disturbing one for me. once upon a time, i would have relished that sort of attention and even now there is a element of pride i can carry when i consider the sheer number of days i have been doing this gig, in one form or another. these days, the pedestal of clean time is an uncomfortable one for me, as i still want to be me, and not perform like a trained seal. what i was and what i am are in a constant battle over this and i am often tempted to gloss over what i am struggling with and enhance what i find totally acceptable in my life. i am tempted to “share for the newcomer,” and look a whole lot better than i actually am. in the long run, most of the time, the real me emerges and i share the same message i always share:
- yes i am clean.
- yes, i have been clean for a long minute,
- and yes, my life is much better than it was.
- no, i am not some sort of “new” or “reborn” guy but i have been transformed into a better version of the person who walked into the rooms.
on my TENTH STEP last night, i had to admit i felt a bit of joy over the hardship of one of my co-workers. he was upset he only got three shifts next week and he would be talking to the new manager about that next week. what he fails to see, is that he is the last hired and hence the lowest person on the totem pole, hence he gets what is left over after the rest of us express our desires. we did not create his self made suffering and i am not responsible for relieving it. the one thing i have noticed about how he lives his life is that he fails to take any sort of proactive action to lift himself out of his dire situation. in fact, he constantly defers action to create a life for himself. i might feel a bit more sympathy for him, if only… i will not, however, give up any of my shifts to help him out, he could have made different choices and being in a “dark place” does not excuse any of the poor choices he made, no matter how he tries to spin it. i have heard that before and most of the time it has come from a sense of entitlement of what someone felt they were “owed.”
today, through the practice of my recovery program i know i am not “owed” anything more than what i earn. i get another day clean, because i take the actions i need to stay clean another day. just for today, i will accept that how i carry and present myself, quite possibly is the strongest way that i carry the message of recovery.
∞ DT ∞