Blog entry for:

to a place of spiritual fulfillment and deep appreciation for what i do have.
and this morning i am on the that particular path. last night i decided to miss the first half of a local sporting event to finish my SIXTH STEP with my sponsor. my actual plan was to sit down with my sponsor, then go to a meeting, BUT i decided that i did not want to fight the traffic going home, so i came home and watched the end of that sporting event. what if anything does that have with appreciating what i do have, and moving beyond the thoughts of envy over what others have? well, altering my plans has very little to so with moving beyond the self-esteem issues that are still present within my life. HOWEVER, choosing to treat myself to an easier softer trip home from my sponsor’s place, is certainly a step in the right direction. my actions as i sit here and do very little between the Sixth and Seventh steps except work on the spiritual principle assignment given to me by my sponsor last evening. that assignment? well it is simple to practice the first half of acceptance -- namely tolerance. tolerance towards others as well as tolerance towards myself. he also suggested an alternative take on what tolerance is -- not resisting what is going on inside. quite a bit different than i believed it was. in this form, i do not need to suppress thoughts of how idiotic, nonspiritual or crazy i think some behavior or action is. nor do i try and suppress those feelings associated with that particular train of thought. rather i think what i think, i feel what i feel and i choose not to react. HMMMMMMMMM!
so anyhow, if self-acceptance and self-esteem can be achieved through the practice of tolerance, than i am willing to do what it takes. i am so sick in living in the fear of doing something stupid, or revealing myself as some sort of fraud that i am willing to try and do anything which will help disarm that fear. the concept that really took me for a loop last night, was that if i am resisting my fears and defects of character, there is no way that the disarming process can be happening. if i do not disarm what is killing me, i will find a way of separating myself from the pack and the justifications that it is the pack’s fault. quite a bit of sophistry, and one that i am familiar with very intimately.
so off to the showers and into ma day of practicing a bit of tolerance.

∞ DT ∞