Blog entry for:

someone else was always one of the fantasies i have held on to forever. little did i realize until my last FIFTH step that i was in that process already and was no longer the person i thought am. i am certainly still getting to know this new person now that the bushel of denial and shame has been removed and i can start to see my light shining, to borrow a metaphor from the New Testament. i “owe” myself a chance to become even more, by allowing the process to continue without me overthinking the fVck out of it 😜. now that i no longer need to run from whom i am not, i have the freedom to see the person i have become.
it is odd, a year after i my job was in jeopardy AND eventually i was terminated that i should be considering any sort of success.
it was several hours ago i wrote all of that and although i am not quite sure where i was going, i do know, that now at the end of my day, when my Fantasy Football games to not look so bleak and after putting in six hours of work, i feel more than a little spent. i have spent the past year wondering where i went wrong in my professional career. part of the effort i have put in over the course of the past two days, was to overcome the feeling that i was once again sinking into the pit of unemployment. i had several successes today and need some help to complete my tasks by the end of bidness tomorrow. honestly it was love of money that was my main motivation, but succeeding in my job was a great side-effect of fulfilling that desire.
as i wind this up and wind down for the evening i know that i am becoming someone else, at least when i compare myself to the man who walked into the rooms all those days ago. even the past year has given me the opportunity to progress from what i was not not what i am becoming, even if i do not have a road map of how this journey is supposed to go. it was a great day to enjoy football, enjoy a cigar, and get stuff accomplished and my TENTH STEP will not be a tool for driving a stake into my heart, tonight. and that is a very good thing, just for today.

∞ DT ∞