Blog entry for:

i may compare my insides with the outsides of others and feel as though i still do not have enough of anything. which makes perfect sense, since the condition of addiction is the need to have still more and more. so as an addict the desire to have more recovery seems to be a no-brainer. HOWEVER, what i heard this morning was not that i could not not fill up my need for recovery, no that would be great, what i read is that the need i cannot satiate, is the need to look like i have filled my need for recovery. quite a different kettle of fish indeed. this need resonates throughout me, mainly because appearances were so important to me when i got clean, remained important to me through my first two sets of steps, and finally are beginning to loose their hold on me. or rather, i am finally coming to the place where i can let go of how i look. no i am not talking about letting myself go grey, i have yet to come with terms with that, nor am i talking about neglecting my personal hygiene, although the previous statement could lead to that conclusion. no what i am talking about is my NEED to look like recovery has given me the ability to have the world in check, react appropriately to my emotions, live a state of constant FAITH and walk through each day moment by moment. which is how i would honestly like to appear to my peers family, friends, business associates and acquaintances. what that NEED is being replaces with is an attitude that no matter what i feel, no matter how the world treats me, i can walk through today and stay clean, and i could care less what others are thinking about me. that is the road map of my recovery in the here and now, letting go of how my outsides look, and letting them match my insides. and as i approach that particular manifestation of humility, i grow more into the person i have always wanted to be. do not get me wrong, i still like compliments, and now that i accept myself, i can also accept a compliment, i can also detect when i am being flattered for another reason, and have yet to grow into liking that. recognizing when smoke is being wafted up my posterior orifice is one thing, how i react is yet another, and what i have recently discovered, those that protest the loudest about not doing it, are usually the ones that are the most guilty.
so anyhow, my little tirade for today.
it is a good day to recover, and although it is finally November outside my window, i can move forward into what i need to accomplish, secure in the knowledge that yes i do recover, and no i do not need to compare the outsides of others to my insides to feel good or bad about myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞