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i will cherish the spiritual fulfillment i have found in recovery. or i will whine about all the stuff that is really, really wrong in my life and the world in general! for me, at least on some days, there is not much in between.
today? well today, i am certainly somewhere in between those two states of being. i am certainly grateful for having this life, the spiritual path i am walking, and all the attendant details. i am not too grateful about being an addict and having to start my new contract tomorrow instead of in two weeks.
the real question is how i can accept that is tart tomorrow and not be grateful for doing so. i was struggling 90 days ago, and now those days seem way behind me and yes, for some reason it does not feel like enough/ which of course brings me back to the top, if i cannot be grateful for what i have, the opportunities that i am presented, will i ever really be happy? that truly is the eternal question n'est-ce pas!
i can tell you this for certain: when i was in active addiction NOTHING was never good enough EXCEPT perhaps, that brief bit of time when the locomotive was screaming and the pit was opening up to take me away. even that did last long enough or come often enough. so if i am whining about what is wrong today, has anything really changed? that is a dangerous path for me to tread, but this morning i am not very risk averse, so here we go. the argument goes, that if i am still not satisfies with what i have, or my place in the world around me, than what is all this time clean really accomplished. apparently, i have only a single activity that will fulfill me, so why struggle against nature any longer. after all, relief is just a swallow away…
i know however, that i one person i tell the most lies to is ME. i also know that the one person who almost always believes those lies is ME as well. while the lie above is very sophisticated it is predicated on a false assumption, namely that even today nothing is ever going to be good enough for me. i will always find fault, if i choose to look for it and that i NEED external things to make me happy. well that is actually more than one assumption, but i am sure you get my point.
it is true, that there are times in my life when i am feel dissatisfied with everything that is going on. when i take the time to examine my feelings and listen to what it is i am telling myself, it comes down to the character defects of diminished self-worth and self-esteem. which are based in the lie that i have no value because…
here a bit of gratitude is kicking in, as i really need not dwell there. i could of course go to the bromide about not creating anything worthless, and there was a day when that was a comfort to me. this nice part of some recovery, is i need no longer rely on what sounds so trivial, as the truth is so much more. i am who i am today, the perfect Don, who may not be rich, good looking or young BUT who is doing the best with what he has been given and whose worth is exactly the worth of every other being that currently walks the planet. i no longer need be bigger than life, nor do i need to compare my life with others' and find myself wanting, which is almost always the case.
i am grateful that recovery gives me a foil to the character defects that have yet to be removed, no matter how entirely ready i am for them to be gone. i am also grateful that i took the time to walk that dark path, as when i expose the lies i tell myself, they lose their effectiveness and i am just that much more healthy, happy and yes secure in who i am and the journey, i am embarked upon.
so i quick trip to Walmart and then some work in town. life is certainly good toady and more than a bit interesting and for that i am very grateful.

∞ DT ∞