โ there were times in my active addiction when i wished i could become someone else โ
Posted: Fri, Nov 20, 2009 09:36:23 AM
the Twelve Steps have taken from an attitude of envy and low self-esteem to a place of spiritual fulfillment and deep appreciation of who i am and what i have. when i sat down to ponder this reading, i was struck by a thousand different thoughts and had a difficult time clearing my head. the thoughts of what i needed to do today, the thoughts of who i am, and for some strange reason the thoughts of what i did not have in my life today. with a bit of effort i finally stopped this cascading torrent of useless thoughts, useless at least in that moment, and settled in to listen for what i needed to hear.
what was it i needed to hear? well for one, that i am just where i need to be. other people may have more stuff, other recovering addicts may appear to have more recovery, HOWEVER, i no longer NEED to be concerned about appearances, mine especially. for me, this has always been an issue, in active addiction, in recovery and in active recovery. this last step cycle has finally got me to the place of acceptance of who i am and has begun to diminish the importance of what i look like to others. i say begun, because i still have quite a way to go, which is an important realization. the question then becomes, can i let go of this seemingly hard-wired need to compare? there is no simple answer, i would love to say yes of course, and move along, but the truth for me, is a bit more complex. if i choose to live in FAITH then i know that i am the best i can be right here and right now, and the task of comparing is a useless, and fruitless waste of my resources. that is the ideal i strive for today. i am however, not one of those people that walk in FAITH every waking moment of my life, as much as i would like to be. i have lapses in FAITH and revert to living in self-will. in self-will, comparisons and appearances, become paramount to me, and then i am off and running around that stupid treadmill again. i do not have what others have therefore i must be less than they are, there fore this whole recovery gig is not worth it, therefore i might as well…
life in that world is a miserable existence, and when i feel the pain, i step back, take a breath, and remember what i need to do -- have FAITH, that i am being given the opportunity to get everything i need, all i have to do is to be present and act on it. and so it goes.
FAITH self-will FAITH and so on.
where does this leave me? well right now, i NEED to go run. then i have plenty of work to do and i can do it at the cigar shop while enjoying a smoke. so i think i will get on with my day and see what happens. life is good today, so i think i will go with the flow and see where it takes me.
what was it i needed to hear? well for one, that i am just where i need to be. other people may have more stuff, other recovering addicts may appear to have more recovery, HOWEVER, i no longer NEED to be concerned about appearances, mine especially. for me, this has always been an issue, in active addiction, in recovery and in active recovery. this last step cycle has finally got me to the place of acceptance of who i am and has begun to diminish the importance of what i look like to others. i say begun, because i still have quite a way to go, which is an important realization. the question then becomes, can i let go of this seemingly hard-wired need to compare? there is no simple answer, i would love to say yes of course, and move along, but the truth for me, is a bit more complex. if i choose to live in FAITH then i know that i am the best i can be right here and right now, and the task of comparing is a useless, and fruitless waste of my resources. that is the ideal i strive for today. i am however, not one of those people that walk in FAITH every waking moment of my life, as much as i would like to be. i have lapses in FAITH and revert to living in self-will. in self-will, comparisons and appearances, become paramount to me, and then i am off and running around that stupid treadmill again. i do not have what others have therefore i must be less than they are, there fore this whole recovery gig is not worth it, therefore i might as well…
life in that world is a miserable existence, and when i feel the pain, i step back, take a breath, and remember what i need to do -- have FAITH, that i am being given the opportunity to get everything i need, all i have to do is to be present and act on it. and so it goes.
FAITH self-will FAITH and so on.
where does this leave me? well right now, i NEED to go run. then i have plenty of work to do and i can do it at the cigar shop while enjoying a smoke. so i think i will get on with my day and see what happens. life is good today, so i think i will go with the flow and see where it takes me.
∞ DT ∞