Blog entry for:

transport me from an attitude of envy and low self-esteem to a place of spiritual fulfillment and deep appreciation for what i DO have.
so a very long seed this morning, as i ponder the depth of this topic from recovery envy to gratitude for what i have today. one thing is for certain

Steven S
4 Years Clean
Way to keep coming back, my friend

that being said, well, i certainly have wanted to be someone else, for most of my life. i certainly have though that i was somehow retarded in recovery, as i never seemed to do what others did with such ease. and i always have wanted to look better on the outside than my scorched insides. all of that and much, much more and yet this morning i am starting to see that i have a whole lot more than i ever thought was possible. honestly, when i first came to the rooms and even when i finally made my choice to landed in the fellowship that has become my home, all of what i have today, materially, emotionally, mentally and spiritually seemed impossible, i was willing to SETTLE for freedom from the justice system, PERIOD! all this talk of success, self-esteem, self-confidence and humility, was lost on me for quite some time. i wanted the cars, the houses. the girl friends, the bevy of sponsees and the seemingly endless flow of money that many who were here at that time, appeared to have. from time to time, i wanted the wisdom to know the difference, as i believed i could change everything.
here i sit, many days later, and there is still a part of me, that wants all the material trappings of a successful life, and the appearance of some sort of spiritual guru as well. i want to look better than i think i am, when in truth, i am much better than i think i look. that is always the rub, even after some time clean, and some steps under my belt, i still fall back into my default stance of not being good enough, so i need to pump myself up, at the expense of others. well today i will; not SETTLE for that any longer. if i have learned anything in this set of steps, it is that i am worth working to build relationships with my peers in recovery. what i have always wanted, to be comfortable in a crowd of my peers, is finally becoming reality. that reality is only becoming manifest, because i keep doing what i need to stay clean. there is no secret sauce or mystery on how to stay clean and build up some days in a row, just do what those who were here when you got here, told you to do. the suggestions that continue to save my life., are those very first ones that were pitched to me, way back when i was pissed off, and living in constant obsession to use, go to meetings, seek a relationship with a HIGHER POWER, work the steps, read what is written, and work the STEPS, like your life depended upon them, because it does. everything else? well it is just application of those simple suggestions, one day at a time. so, like, it must be time to like hit the road and get rolling on to work, you know, it certainly is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞