Blog entry for:

willingly trade places with another, for what i have discovered within myself is priceless. as i listened to what was going on this morning, i thought about my life in envy, recovery envy, material envy, physical envy and spiritual envy, and i kept coming back to what my peers were sharing the other night. that is not to say that somehow i GOT cured of my envy or anything nut like that, but it does seem to mean that there is something else going on inside me, that i need to write about today. however before i really get rolling:

Steven!
5 YEARS CLEAN!
Congrats, my friend.

more than one of my peers were either future tripping or expressing concern over what had happened in the past. the cliché small clear voice within me wanted to shout out for them to stop mind-fVcking themselves and remind them of what a friend is apt to say: “what if monkeys fly out of my a$$!”
what i kept hearing and what has rang in my ears the past two days is the litany of the crap that counselors tried to fill my head with all those days ago, long before i was ready to even accept that i had a problem. before i alienate my peers in the profession, i need to say this, most of what you do and say is good, when you speak from the experience of being in active addiction, when you fall back on the pedantic knowledge that was necessary for you to memorize to get to your position, than the results are far from ideal. what my co-dependent counselor kept trying harping feeding me was the notion that i WOULD NEVER be able sustain long-term recovery unless i identified and was wary for the triggers and associations that are part of my experience. to tell you the truth, she was one of the easiest people to play, even though at the time i was clueless about her affliction. i have a feeling that most of my peers, could play that same game or something very similar with the professionals who are “treating” them today. anyhow i am digressing.
i certainly have proved her wrong, as i have what some might consider “long-term” recovery, and never became vigilant about identifying and defusing my so-called triggers. what i did become was an active participant in my life and my recovery, and envy like so many of the less than stellar attributes that are part of me, lost most of its power over me. sure i am concerned about what may come in the mail today, the anniversary of the death of my Gringa, the failure of my parent's business, whether or not my friends will trip out the doors and what seems like an innumerable list of other possibilities, but i have enough FAITH today, that i have learned i need not worry about any of that. what will come to pass, will come to pass, whether i worry about it or not. letting go of all of those possibilities, especially the notion of feeling “bad” is what my recovery is all about today. today my life is just what it is supposed to be, including the need for me to cut this off, go through my morning preparations to face the world and head on down to work. and yes, stop worrying about monkeys flying out of my a$$!

∞ DT ∞