โ trust offers me the strength to move forward โ
Posted: Tue, Jun 25, 2013 07:48:58 AM
WARNING a severe attack of whining has now commenced!
this morning, i do not feel particularly blessed, lucky or miraculous. the past few days, have been some of the crappiest in my life and this morning it all comes down to this, what the FVCK is it worth anyhow. just a quick stop and ninety bucks, and i can legally enjoy something that was the base of my survival and be taken away from all the turmoil and strife that is my life. after all, i am a good guy and do not deserve the load of crap that has come down the past few days.
how about that, i now sound like someone i am very familiar with, who is also part of the problem, rather than a force for the solution in my life. of course, if i was really in recovery, instead of just pretending i would spin all of this into a big daisy fart and say this too shall pass, and start a gratitude list. well perhaps once i finish dumping, venting and generally being a whiny little b!tch.
truthfully it is not nearly as satisfying or rewarding to do, once i find myself where i am, the irony does not escape me as a smile comes on to my face. yes, it has been a tough couple of days. yes there has been beaucoup changes in my life. yes, i am tired of hearing the same old song from those who say they want something more. and yes i have a huge pain in heart that once was filled with my love for our little Lucy Lu. that pain is now being manifest in my general dissatisfaction with anything that is not going according to my plan, such as my paycheck not being in my bank account, my work not working in production even after extensive testing or being dumped on by someone close. yes all of that and none of it major, is what i express this morning when the real source of my discomposure is the pain of loss i am feeling. yes to look good, i have to buck up and take sh!t in stride. looking good is what it is all about, after all, and i am lucky to have survived a quarter century of active addiction, looking as good as i do. after all, i still have my intellect mostly intact, most of my body parts intact, my health and yes the ability to feel, which today feels like a curse. even though i know i will get my last paycheck, i will figure out why my work is failing on production and the pain of loss will fade, i want all of that to already be done and over with, and i am almost certain that the wrong person will cross my path today, and BOOM< i will have to add them to my unfinished EIGHTH STEP list, 'cuz it will be so much more than just an admission of wrong that i will have to own up to.
i guess when you look at all of this, or at least when i look through all of this, it is more than lucky that ii have the insight to know that i am way out of kilter and pin down the cause and condition. i am feeling just a little less brittle and explosive now and the chances of an emotional IED being detonated have been reduced, and just for right now, a trip to the establishment across the street from work is not in my future, nor will i be stopping in at Valmont and 28th street to get my 10% off for being a new “patient.” what i think i will do is, grab a gar, take a shower, start the car and head on over to Boulder to see what kind of day i can have, after giving myself the freedom to look less than attractive for ten to fifteen minutes (2 to 3 for all of you on the receiving end). it is a good day to man up and face the facts that every day is more than just a pleasure cruise through life, without a few bumps and grinds, it would probably get boring and believing that life could be smooth, is just one more way the part of me i call addiction, can trick me into believing that just one of something will be the cure.
this morning, i do not feel particularly blessed, lucky or miraculous. the past few days, have been some of the crappiest in my life and this morning it all comes down to this, what the FVCK is it worth anyhow. just a quick stop and ninety bucks, and i can legally enjoy something that was the base of my survival and be taken away from all the turmoil and strife that is my life. after all, i am a good guy and do not deserve the load of crap that has come down the past few days.
how about that, i now sound like someone i am very familiar with, who is also part of the problem, rather than a force for the solution in my life. of course, if i was really in recovery, instead of just pretending i would spin all of this into a big daisy fart and say this too shall pass, and start a gratitude list. well perhaps once i finish dumping, venting and generally being a whiny little b!tch.
truthfully it is not nearly as satisfying or rewarding to do, once i find myself where i am, the irony does not escape me as a smile comes on to my face. yes, it has been a tough couple of days. yes there has been beaucoup changes in my life. yes, i am tired of hearing the same old song from those who say they want something more. and yes i have a huge pain in heart that once was filled with my love for our little Lucy Lu. that pain is now being manifest in my general dissatisfaction with anything that is not going according to my plan, such as my paycheck not being in my bank account, my work not working in production even after extensive testing or being dumped on by someone close. yes all of that and none of it major, is what i express this morning when the real source of my discomposure is the pain of loss i am feeling. yes to look good, i have to buck up and take sh!t in stride. looking good is what it is all about, after all, and i am lucky to have survived a quarter century of active addiction, looking as good as i do. after all, i still have my intellect mostly intact, most of my body parts intact, my health and yes the ability to feel, which today feels like a curse. even though i know i will get my last paycheck, i will figure out why my work is failing on production and the pain of loss will fade, i want all of that to already be done and over with, and i am almost certain that the wrong person will cross my path today, and BOOM< i will have to add them to my unfinished EIGHTH STEP list, 'cuz it will be so much more than just an admission of wrong that i will have to own up to.
i guess when you look at all of this, or at least when i look through all of this, it is more than lucky that ii have the insight to know that i am way out of kilter and pin down the cause and condition. i am feeling just a little less brittle and explosive now and the chances of an emotional IED being detonated have been reduced, and just for right now, a trip to the establishment across the street from work is not in my future, nor will i be stopping in at Valmont and 28th street to get my 10% off for being a new “patient.” what i think i will do is, grab a gar, take a shower, start the car and head on over to Boulder to see what kind of day i can have, after giving myself the freedom to look less than attractive for ten to fifteen minutes (2 to 3 for all of you on the receiving end). it is a good day to man up and face the facts that every day is more than just a pleasure cruise through life, without a few bumps and grinds, it would probably get boring and believing that life could be smooth, is just one more way the part of me i call addiction, can trick me into believing that just one of something will be the cure.
∞ DT ∞