Some memes

self-loathing and self-pity certainly did dictate my interactions with the world around me, in active addiction, mere abstinence and very early recovery. pride still comes back to haunt me, as i want to be sure i look good in the eyes of others, especially my peers. even with a minute clean, i still default back to the whole looking good gig, as that changes the way i am feeling about myself. if i can worry about how others see me, i do not have the bandwidth to look at what is really going on, under the surface. of course the truth lies somewhere between the extremes pf being perfectly myself and allowing all to see me in all my glory and hiding behind the façade of what i think everyone wants to see. it is a good thing that a grade of C+ is more than okay when i evaluate how well i put myself out there.even a year ago, when i was twisting about what might be coming down the road fort me, cancer-wise, did i reach out to my friends and peers and let them know that i had a very strong desire to use. HELL NO, i did not, after all, what would they think🙻
today, as i deal with the unknowable future, i am at least letting those around me know that i am a bit anxious, even though i have a safety net and the PSA number was probably anomalous. i am also letting them know that i have a program and that i will be doing all the footwork to move into my next “adventure” i may not know what will happen a week from now, but i do know that when i go to bed tonight, i will have another day clean, and for an addict such as myself, that is a success. time to get cracking on my final project for work, it is a great day to be clean and on the green side of the lawn.

∞ DT ∞