โฉ you sure are sorry! โช
Posted: Sat, Jul 6, 2013 08:19:42 AM
in fact, you are the sorriest excuse for...
when i was out there running and gunning, those words could have been said to me many times, BUT the only people that i EVER said i was sorry to, were those who were co-dependent with me, related or BOTH. the rest? i was not really sorry and i was not about to eat any crow, crawl on my stomach and beg forgiveness. it was so much easier to move on and ex them from my life. this whole amends thing, making a list and all, was something i would never need to do, because i did not harm anyone, damage anything or create any chaos or havoc in my using days. besides, on the very slightest of chance that i did do some harm, well it was justifiable or a return in kind, so we were at best even already. i was so certain about this, that i started to make a list of those who harmed me and who i expected an amends from, and did so with great relish and gusto.
the irony of this reading today, is i am on the receiving end of that same behavior and more than once have i thought about saying the words i seeded this blog with, to someone who was going over the litany of my wrongs to them. i can hear the expectation of my apologies and my admission of wrong in their voice and the direction they take our conversation, blind to the fact that my actions, while hardly blameless, were not the cause of their troubles, or even any harm,. except maybe a bit of a bruised ego and a raft full of unmet expectations, neither of which are real harm.
so as i get angrier and more resentful, i begin to slip back into the whole step on my toes, bro and i will cut off your foot paradigm that was the underpinning of all my personal relationships, way back when. the next thing i hear is: “after all…”
all of this seems to be setting the focus on someone else, and perhaps it is, to illustrate a point, namely that by myself, i could have never understood what the nature of my harm was, who i actually did harm, and more importantly how to make it right. please notice i did not say make it better, as once harm is done, it cannot be undone. all i can do is own the responsibility for the harm, make whatever repairs i can and choose to live in a different manner so it does not happen again. the EIGHT STEP, is the first part of that process and if i ever decide to actually sit down and add the two new names to mine, i may actually move on with my recovery.
be that as it may, this morning i a,m grateful i can see the harm in what i do today and work through the steps, to minimize that harm in real-time. just for today, i am becoming a better person, so when the next EIGHTH STEP rolls around, i will have just as much difficulty coming up with names to add to it. time to get moving forward into my Saturday, it is a great day to be clean.
when i was out there running and gunning, those words could have been said to me many times, BUT the only people that i EVER said i was sorry to, were those who were co-dependent with me, related or BOTH. the rest? i was not really sorry and i was not about to eat any crow, crawl on my stomach and beg forgiveness. it was so much easier to move on and ex them from my life. this whole amends thing, making a list and all, was something i would never need to do, because i did not harm anyone, damage anything or create any chaos or havoc in my using days. besides, on the very slightest of chance that i did do some harm, well it was justifiable or a return in kind, so we were at best even already. i was so certain about this, that i started to make a list of those who harmed me and who i expected an amends from, and did so with great relish and gusto.
the irony of this reading today, is i am on the receiving end of that same behavior and more than once have i thought about saying the words i seeded this blog with, to someone who was going over the litany of my wrongs to them. i can hear the expectation of my apologies and my admission of wrong in their voice and the direction they take our conversation, blind to the fact that my actions, while hardly blameless, were not the cause of their troubles, or even any harm,. except maybe a bit of a bruised ego and a raft full of unmet expectations, neither of which are real harm.
so as i get angrier and more resentful, i begin to slip back into the whole step on my toes, bro and i will cut off your foot paradigm that was the underpinning of all my personal relationships, way back when. the next thing i hear is: “after all…”
all of this seems to be setting the focus on someone else, and perhaps it is, to illustrate a point, namely that by myself, i could have never understood what the nature of my harm was, who i actually did harm, and more importantly how to make it right. please notice i did not say make it better, as once harm is done, it cannot be undone. all i can do is own the responsibility for the harm, make whatever repairs i can and choose to live in a different manner so it does not happen again. the EIGHT STEP, is the first part of that process and if i ever decide to actually sit down and add the two new names to mine, i may actually move on with my recovery.
be that as it may, this morning i a,m grateful i can see the harm in what i do today and work through the steps, to minimize that harm in real-time. just for today, i am becoming a better person, so when the next EIGHTH STEP rolls around, i will have just as much difficulty coming up with names to add to it. time to get moving forward into my Saturday, it is a great day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞