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making amends means to make changes and, above all, to make the situation right. the problem i had in my last eight and ninth steps, was identifying those i had truly harmed. i had a tendency to look at the wrong person and in my amends list other than some harm i had already made amends for, the person at the center of my harm was myself. now imagine the core of this reading -- looking soulfully at myself in the mirror, and telling myself how sorry i am for all the harm i have inflicted upon me. it gets worse from there, but you get the point.
so after that brief diversion into the ironic, i guess it would be better for me to dive into what is really going on.
well lots of stuff, the first task that i am focused on right now, is learning to pray. the reading from yesterday, really hammered me in the spiritual gonads, and left me breathless and doubled over in pain, metaphorically of course. what struck me so hard was the whole concept of learning to pray. when i read that reading, i said to myself; " self, this is another of those readings that you are already doing on a regular basis."
and i was right, at least in the literal sense, i was following the suggestion to the letter and not to the spirit, as my prayers had not altered one whit, since i started this whole recovery gig over eleven years ago. well that is an exaggeration, i am no longer on my knees, but other than that, and some slight additions the form, and most importantly the intent is basically the same -- complying with a norm -- rather than truly doing something that i wanted to do. so as it was just an act without meaning, the act in and of itself did not need to change. so the real question was why was i still doing it after all these years? i understand that i was told to do it way back when. i understand that way back when it was one of those **fake it until you make it** sort of things. understanding, however, does not make the act any less false, so my journey to find the **right** way for me to pray, started yesterday and probably will continue until i find out what that act needs to be, FOR ME!
okay, what does any of that have to do with making amends? well, as i ponder that question i am struck with the harm that i have once again inflicted upon myself. to make this right, i need to man up and doing something different which means exploring different means to establish contact with my concept of a HIGHER POWER, that is my own, and not something forced upon me by a very well-intentioned individual from the dark ages of my recovery.
so where do i go from here? well, first i sign-off, then i take my dawg for his power walk, and i get my work done so i can pay my bills and perhaps i even get to smoke a gar or two on the back porch, and let go of stressing over this. since i am good at listening for the voice of a HIGHER POWER, i do believe i will let go of this and see what happens. life as a recovering addict is good today, and i need to to go live some of it.

∞ DT ∞