ฮ amending my behavior and the way i treat ourselves and others ฮด
Posted: Thu, Jul 6, 2006 06:47:36 AM
is the whole purpose of working the steps.
when i get to this particular reading in the annual cycle i think of some old song that i heard once a long time ago where the singer kept saying i am sorry and forgive me. or maybe I never heard that song at all, i made it up in my head to justify my behaviors and the harm i did. The fact whether that song was real or imagined is really unimportant, my point is that the whole "i’m sorry" refrain, that i used to sing was a large part of my repertoire. i even learned to pull it out as the last resort, in fact ui would try anything i could to avoid saying i was sorry, even though mouthing those words were abhorrent to me. and i really never was sincerely sorry, well never is an awful long time, so perhaps for the sake of honesty i might amend that statement to state that most of the time i was not really sorry, after all i had already created my rationalization in my head, so had already absolved myself of most the blame in that particular situation. and when i could rationalize no further, my favorite excuse came to light, "i was really high at then!"
so learning to accept responsibility for my behaviors and the damage they cause was an entirely foreign concept to me when i came to recovery, and to this day still causes a problem or three on a daily basis. that does not absolve me of my responsibility to take responsibility for my actions and my recovery and do the next right, regardless of my personal feeling about it. so that i can truly say, "i am no longer just ‘sorry’ i am responsible."
when i get to this particular reading in the annual cycle i think of some old song that i heard once a long time ago where the singer kept saying i am sorry and forgive me. or maybe I never heard that song at all, i made it up in my head to justify my behaviors and the harm i did. The fact whether that song was real or imagined is really unimportant, my point is that the whole "i’m sorry" refrain, that i used to sing was a large part of my repertoire. i even learned to pull it out as the last resort, in fact ui would try anything i could to avoid saying i was sorry, even though mouthing those words were abhorrent to me. and i really never was sincerely sorry, well never is an awful long time, so perhaps for the sake of honesty i might amend that statement to state that most of the time i was not really sorry, after all i had already created my rationalization in my head, so had already absolved myself of most the blame in that particular situation. and when i could rationalize no further, my favorite excuse came to light, "i was really high at then!"
so learning to accept responsibility for my behaviors and the damage they cause was an entirely foreign concept to me when i came to recovery, and to this day still causes a problem or three on a daily basis. that does not absolve me of my responsibility to take responsibility for my actions and my recovery and do the next right, regardless of my personal feeling about it. so that i can truly say, "i am no longer just ‘sorry’ i am responsible."
∞ DT ∞