Blog entry for:

the situation right, not just saying i am sorry, was once the hardest part of making an amends for me. my denial and the tools i used to justify and rationalize my actions, prevented me from seeing that i did any harm at all, so why would i have to **make anything right.** as i stayed clean and learned how to take responsibility for my actions, the tide turned and of course, all that i touched, i corrupted, or so the story i told myself went. from no harm to total destruction and chaos, was quite a pendulum swing and it took many days and much guidance from my sponse and my peers, before i finally saw the reality of what i did and who i really was. sitting down to pound out this little bit this morning, i see that as i live my life these days, i can still cause some harm and i still have to take responsibility for doing so.
one of the amends i am making these days, is to my significant other. for years i kept the true nature of my finances and lack of restraint when it came to spending from her. i betrayed her trust and have been working on earning it back. the reason why this is coming up, is because we are refinancing our home again and part of the deal is to pay-off most of our consumer debt, and my debt is the worst of it. i have built up enough trust in this relationship that i could have just gone ahead with it and she would not know until closing day, when it was too late for her to do anything about it. for once, i involved her in the decision-making process and talked to her about what it would mean for us and what my actions moving forward would be, if we successfully closed on this loan. i do not bring this up, because i think i deserve praise for doing the next right thing, but rather as an example about how living correctly means that i CHOOSE to “amend” my behavior in the here and now. i can certainly say, that i almost said no to one of the best financial decisions i have made in the past three years, because i did not want to talk to her about it. a little bit of courage and a whole lot of “soul-searching” is what it took for me to own up to my past and face the future as an equal partner, in this relationship anyhow.
it is surprising that what i heard this morning had to do with that amends and not the one i have been making to myself, although, this financial action will certainly clean up some of the damage i have done to myself and that i accepted i would be dealing with, until the day i died, hopefully many years from now. that may still end up the case, but at least it will be at an interest rate that allows me to burn off that debt in twelve years versus thirty.
taking responsibility for what i have done and living in the here and now, is not as tough as i once feared it would be. owning that i did harm and living in a different manner, counter-intuitively “feels” like the easier, softer way. when i see myself, through the lens of how i once chose to live, i am actually amazed that i am the same person. making things right, is juts part of living a program and just for today, i think i will do my best to be okay with doing so.

∞ DT ∞