โ i was tired of pretending that addiction and my life โ
Posted: Sat, Dec 7, 2013 08:38:08 AM
were under control; it actually felt good to finally admit they were not. the only problem with that last statement, was that i did not believe i was an addict, so if i was not an addict, my addiction certainly WAS under my control.
moving forward, one of the pleasant side-effects of getting high, for me, was that i DID not have to feel, and as far as i was concerned losing the ability to feel, empathy, sympathy, joy, depression, sadness or anything save anger, was a blessing and one that i relished, after all, feelings were for weak and feeble dudes and women. i certainly did not see myself in either of those categories, so not feeling was certainly a good thing and fit my self-image like a tight glove. so before the wall of denial was cracked open, there certainly was no problem with this aspect of my life. when feelings started to surface, well relief was just a dose away.
my life, as i saw it, when i came to recovery was over. all those years of suppressing my feelings had consequences and i was ill-prepared for the tsunami of emotions that early recovery brings. if not for the judicial guillotine, poised over my neck, i certainly, maybe, would have done a little of this or that to relive some of those feelings.
well i did not use, i survived those early days, and today i see my feelings as a gift, not a curse. i see them as something to be cherished and lived through, not to merely survive.
i do have some stuff to accomplish this morning, so i will close this off, by saying feelings, as messy and inconvenient as they may seem, are a good thing for me today.
moving forward, one of the pleasant side-effects of getting high, for me, was that i DID not have to feel, and as far as i was concerned losing the ability to feel, empathy, sympathy, joy, depression, sadness or anything save anger, was a blessing and one that i relished, after all, feelings were for weak and feeble dudes and women. i certainly did not see myself in either of those categories, so not feeling was certainly a good thing and fit my self-image like a tight glove. so before the wall of denial was cracked open, there certainly was no problem with this aspect of my life. when feelings started to surface, well relief was just a dose away.
my life, as i saw it, when i came to recovery was over. all those years of suppressing my feelings had consequences and i was ill-prepared for the tsunami of emotions that early recovery brings. if not for the judicial guillotine, poised over my neck, i certainly, maybe, would have done a little of this or that to relive some of those feelings.
well i did not use, i survived those early days, and today i see my feelings as a gift, not a curse. i see them as something to be cherished and lived through, not to merely survive.
i do have some stuff to accomplish this morning, so i will close this off, by saying feelings, as messy and inconvenient as they may seem, are a good thing for me today.
∞ DT ∞