โ you do not survive your feelings, i thought, you drug them. โ
Posted: Thu, Dec 7, 2006 07:25:02 AM
the problem was, that cure for my unsurvivable emotions was killing me.
although i did not have a clue that i was dieing at all. by the time i came to the path of recovery, i had absolutely no feelings at all. i actually prided myself on the fact that i had rooted all those painful, uncomfortable and unmanageable emotions away. the only feeling that i had left was anger, and lots of it, in fact you may even label it RAGE, and i was working on getting rid of that one too! i was under the belief that it was my emotions and feelings, not the lack thereof, that caused me to be the sort of person i needed to be at any given time. the price i paid was i also had trouble feeling happy, joyful or even okay with who i was. i lacked any meaningful relationships and those who loved me, barely tolerated my presence.
so are feelings any less messy now that i have a few days clean? not by a long shot! BUT i have yet to die from experiencing any feeling! it is true that i have to own up to my misbehavior when i lash out in anger. it is also true that i have to go back and take responsibility for my actions when i do so something in retaliation for being hurt. so one may come to the conclusion that feelings are messy, and perhaps removing them by substituting another behavior for drug use is the way to go. well take it from me, those feelings that i stuff or behave away have always come back to haunt me, often in the most inconvenient times, against the wrong person, and the messes i have to go clean-up are much worse. yes the steps and the program give me a manner of living that allows me top survive my feelings, messy or painful as they may be. it is my choice whether i want to live through them or not, and today i think i will just let myself feel them, after all it is better to have a feeling or three than to use another substance!
although i did not have a clue that i was dieing at all. by the time i came to the path of recovery, i had absolutely no feelings at all. i actually prided myself on the fact that i had rooted all those painful, uncomfortable and unmanageable emotions away. the only feeling that i had left was anger, and lots of it, in fact you may even label it RAGE, and i was working on getting rid of that one too! i was under the belief that it was my emotions and feelings, not the lack thereof, that caused me to be the sort of person i needed to be at any given time. the price i paid was i also had trouble feeling happy, joyful or even okay with who i was. i lacked any meaningful relationships and those who loved me, barely tolerated my presence.
so are feelings any less messy now that i have a few days clean? not by a long shot! BUT i have yet to die from experiencing any feeling! it is true that i have to own up to my misbehavior when i lash out in anger. it is also true that i have to go back and take responsibility for my actions when i do so something in retaliation for being hurt. so one may come to the conclusion that feelings are messy, and perhaps removing them by substituting another behavior for drug use is the way to go. well take it from me, those feelings that i stuff or behave away have always come back to haunt me, often in the most inconvenient times, against the wrong person, and the messes i have to go clean-up are much worse. yes the steps and the program give me a manner of living that allows me top survive my feelings, messy or painful as they may be. it is my choice whether i want to live through them or not, and today i think i will just let myself feel them, after all it is better to have a feeling or three than to use another substance!
∞ DT ∞