Blog entry for:

to live through my emotions, instead of merely survive them. it should come as any surprise to one who reads my stuff on a semi-regular basis, that i have become one of those who attempts to embrace and live through his emotions, rather than try to change them.en i gave up on the notion that i had any control about i felt, my recovery program turned in a different direction and even though i have been slacking in my meeting attendance lately, i am not nearly as crazed as i once believed i would become. oh do not get me wrong, the signs of my hidden insanity surface on a daily basis and most frequently end up with me being frustrated with my co-worker and dumping my sh!t all over him, even when he does not deserve anything but tolerance and patience. what i am seeing, is that one meeting a week does not cut it for me, even when i have a bit of service to fill my “meeting gap.” it also means that i am going to need to step out an additional time this week, because of how i have arranged the rest of my life.
when i consider that i have to alter my routine to accommodate my recovery, i feel a bit of anger and a bit resentful. the part of me that i call addiction, rails against that notion as absurd and presents the evidence that even though i have not been to a meeting since last Saturday, i also do not have a needle in my arm and i am not burning down my life. as accurate as that is, the facts support that i am not capable of sustaining this for very long and sooner or later i will negotiate my way into trying some “controlled using.”
acknowledging my feelings and allowing myself to “feel” them, is my plan these days. that bubbling and boiling cauldron of what i do not have needs to have the heat turned down on it and the only means i have for doing that, is to show up where my peers happen to be and let them know where i have been. that just happens to be life in this “big city.”
the other notion that has been rolling around in my head, is when do i let go of someone who is no longer around. today, one of the men who used to be a staple member of the local fellowship, might have nine years clean. i have not seen him in at least two years and maybe longer. he came in desperate, got clean, got some recovery and disappeared into a busy life. as happy as i am for him getting his life back, i am more than a bit sad that he chooses to move in a different orbit and i hope he is okay. there is a bit of envy here on my part, which goes to the point i made above. the addict that i am, wants an “out” and seeing that others seem to have found one, triggers all sorts of feelings. just for today, i think i will embrace recovery, allow myself the FREEDOM that the admission of being powerless brings and walk through this day, regardless of the emotions that may come up.

∞ DT ∞