Blog entry for:

to be accepted, i believed i had to deny who i was, suppress my feelings and appear to just like i thought everyone else was. living that lie left me isolated and cut-off from the world around me, even with a minute clean. the freedom i have been given after so many days of hiding who i was and what i really felt, is overwhelming and to be totally honest, a bit on the spooky side. when i do not care what i think that others think, i get to be a whole and genuine person. whether or not that is a good thing, has yet to be uncovered. what i do know, is that i have never died of a feeling, although my reactions to those feelings has driven me into more than one insane situation.
not seeing what living that lie was doing to me, is the biggest revelation i have had over the days since i exploded that myth. i still have issues with what i own and what i need to let go. a case in point, is the insanity that i have participated in, since the middle of November, when i acted out and was a disrespectful asshole to one of my peers in recovery, in front of a whole group with whom i serve the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. as i was attempting to fall asleep last night, i took up the “defender of the faith” mantle and plotted how i could torpedo their project. needless to say, i came up with a plan and then delighted myself, savoring the outcomes i desire. i had to get up, do yet another TENTH STEP and allow myself the freedom to let go and see what happens. it is true that i slept very well after doing that and i will be more proactive the next time my head will not turn off.
this morning, i have sent the the second packet of information to me peers, so they have the tools necessary to make an informed decision, based on the experience of those who have come before us. now it is time for me to suit up and get some miles under my belt. it is a good day to let go of that i have control over, no matter anyone else chooses to do.

∞ DT ∞