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or to run from situations. life in recovery has certainly meant watching a seemingly endless parade of my peers going out and sometimes coming back in again, and for that brief moment in time, when they own how terrible it was out there, and how glad they are that they made it back, i feel jealous. why do they get to use, and come back again? what makes them so fVcking special, that no matter what they do, they are welcomed back into the fold with no conditions? most importantly how could they stop using, once they really got rolling and walk back into the rooms? as i sit here, many days after my last use, wondering why i am not special enough to relapse and walk back in to the rooms. i wonder what it that i lack that keeps me clean and keeps me coming back. most of all, i wonder if this is all a lie i tell myself and if i could possibly try a bit of the legal “highs” that i once so freely enjoyed and not have my life fall to pieces. although this is a theme that has been rolling around in my head, since i finished my 9TH STEP, i have finally been able to put it into words, namely that i have been clean long enough and i have more than enough sense to stay away from this and that, that i can become a social user once again and stay within the legal substance limit!
is that the “disease” talking? well one might argue that, but since the so-called disease is me, it means that i simply what i am telling myself. i need not cast blame on some mythical malady or outside influence, it is all me, and nothing but me. that part of me wants to use, and advocates for that CHOICE from time to time. i have no problem seeing that for what it is, namely self-talk to minimize and diminish what i have become: since i finally decided not to use; since i finally decided to find a twelve step fellowship to call home, eschewing all others; and since i actually stared participating in a program of active recovery. but most importantly, when that part of my thinking has been invoked, NOT the most important person in the room. it feels that clean-time, while its own reward, diminishes my importance in the eyes of my peers and when i am struggling the message i get is: call your sponsor, work your steps, move along as we are far too busy helping the newcomer to help you, after all, you should know how to do this by now. it is only natural that i feel some envy, some jealousy and some bitterness, as i certainly hate being part of the furnishings and not the center of attention. the worst part of that is most of the newcomers do NOT want the gift they are being offered and only keep coming back because they have to, for whatever or whoever needs to change for them.
the question now becomes, what do with that load of sh!T? the answer is, i am not quite certain. at least i know what is going on with me, and that is the start of finding a solution. today, i am not certain what the solution is for me. i know what the solution is not, however and i can start there. the solution is NOT to head on out to my nearest alcohol dispensary and pickup a forty of something micro and high octane. nor is the solution to head on out to some other dispensary and pick up something yummy and nummy just to test the waters. the solution is to do the next right thing, which is hit the streets with the dawg and continue my physical return to loving myself. the solution is doing what need to be done for my parents and family, the solution is to take care of a few of my needs by relaxing and allowing my lawn to have a brown spot today; the solution is to be present and listen for the solution as i have FAITH that it will be given to me, maybe not today, but it will be coming if i pay attention and listen for it. most importantly, the solution is not to use today, no matter what, after all, perhaps being the most important person in the room is not what i really want at all. so off to the races before the day gets too much warmer.

∞ DT ∞