Blog entry for:

perceptions of life are still part and parcel of how i react to the normal ups and downs i face on a daily basis. it is not as if i am still as **bad** as used to be, BUT, i still want what i want and whine when i do not get it. i am sad this morning on the 88TH anniversary of the birth of my Dad, as he is not around to celebrate it. i know that what happened was not my fault and that the action i decided to take, once the responsibility was placed upon my shoulders, was the correct one. it still does not hep assuage the sadness i feel,even if there is little or no regret about my part in the end of his life. as sad as i feel, i do know that taking care of my Mom, was what he wanted me to do. coming to a place where i “like” her again, is taking time. part of what is playing out in my mind is having to make decisions she was unwilling or incapable of making. i am certain that as i move through my mixed feelings and accept my responsibility to be part of her life, that this too shall pass.
the other part of my life that i am having trouble accepting, is my inability to find a new job. my in-person interview was a huge FAIL yesterday, as i was not anything close to what they were seeking. i am certain that they did not tell me what they expected me to do, live and in person, was part of the test. had i known, i would have practiced and been quite skilled at the task they asked me to accomplish. so it goes. this whole job hunt thing is wearing me down and i am looking forward to a day away from my phone, above 11,000 ft. i think it will be the prescription for the angst i am feeling and will certainly help me to let go, for a minute anyhow.
is my life so unacceptable that i need to change my perceptions of it? not really, i am just such a cynic that i focus on what is not going according to my plans and leave the good bit behind. what i heard this morning was that i have a good life, great stuff is going on and all i have to do, is pay attention. as difficult as that seems, it really is not all that hard. i GET to see my DR today and have my annual physical. i get to take a walk here in a few minutes and pound out some sweat and miles. and regardless of how i feel about my Dad's passing, i know that it is, as it needed to be, he GOT TO be at home with us, rather than in a hospital bed, all alone.

∞ DT ∞