Some memes

means i am responsible for my own recovery, and the consequences. for someone such as myself, accepting responsibility for anything, let alone my recovery was not something i was born to do, or at least that is how it felt, way back when. as i have shared in the past, ditching my responsibility was a full-time job, back in the day. it took a minute to accept that IF i wanted all that recovery ad to offer, i had to start finding my was out of the denial of my responsibility and the fog of always playing the victim. waking up to the fact that i was always responsible for the direction my life took, even under the influence of active addiction was a bitter pill to swallow and one that took some time to reconcile with who i thought i was and from whence i came.
this morning as i sat and considered autonomy, my own and that of those who are in my life, i kept coming back to my past and how i missed so many opportunities along the path to arrive at where i am today. after a run and some time to do a bit of cosplay with AI, i have arrived at the place that maybe, just maybe, i am exactly where i need to be. the lessons of my past are what i can use to guide me towards a future that is centered in the here and now. i understand that i am often driven by desire and that often leads to me doing stuff that has consequences not to my liking. of course, my initial reaction is to look for someone, something, anything to blame and failing that to berate myself for knowing better but still acting out contrary to my spiritual path. yes, that can be comforting, but it all a lie i tell myself, because i did know better and i still made the choice to go down that path, regardless of the consequences. the false belief that maybe this time it might be different or that perhaps the consequences will be tolerable, fits well into a world where denial is an active part of my decision-making process. when i decide to step out of that mode and actually ask myself is i am truly prepared to accept the consequences, i step back into my spiritual path and can proceed with my eyes wide open.
right here and right now, i think it is time to move forward with my day and see what i can accomplish. i know that today i have a decision or two to make and an embarrassing admission to make to my medical provider. what i do not know is what the choices that i will be presented may be and sitting here and spinning about what may come, is probably not the best way to spend my bandwidth this morning. just for today, i will accept responsibility for my recovery and see what comes from the autonomy that offers.

∞ DT ∞