Some memes

in my life are well worth documenting, as i have a penchant for dwelling on the moments of insanity that fill my days. i sometimes think i come off as a Gloomy Gus, because i speak of the trial and tribulations of recovery, rather than the progress. i can look to why i go in that direction and see that what i share are really minor and insignificant speed-bumps in my recovery, that quite honestly, for the most part, my life in recovery is a saner experience than active addiction, punctuated by bouts of insanity. when sanity becomes the norm, as it has after a few days clean, it is hard to share about it as part of my experience. where once i was consumed by the finding ways and means, i can now be consumed by obsession in a hundred different forms. it is not that it “suddenly” i found all sorts of different ways to exhaust my resources, they were always there, just overshadowed by the obsession of ”how the heck am i going to get high today.“ the fact that i am looking at DESIRE in its various manifestations in my life, is in and of itself a moment of sanity. of course, sharing about how sane my life is these days, is not funny, pithy and at times, feels as if i am bragging about where i am, so i sink to the lowest common denominator and share a bit of what the mess looks like.
if i go straight to the heart of the matter and compare and contrast the state of my sanity across the course of my recovery journey, i see that because of the steps and doing what i have always done, i have a whole lot more than moments of sanity in my life, these days. the HOPE i share is not that i am somehow “cured” but i have been transformed into a person whose obsessions are quality coffee, premium hand-rolled cigars and fantasy football. i am still an addict, even though most of the symptoms of active addiction have been arrested, in my life. it ends up that i have to search for what is not in balance and when i find that instance, i, of course, NEED to share it, so i am like the rest of my peers. yes part of the nature of my insanity is my DESIRE to conform rather than be myself, at least when it comes to the rooms. having “significant” can be a curse at times, rather than sanely seeing it as the blessing it is.
today, i accept what i am, an addict who has been given a choice and that choice is because i have clean-time and not despite it. when i take a critical look at where my life is today, i can be grateful that speed bumps of insanity, allow me to realize that my program of recovery is working and plays a vital part in my my life in the real world as well as in the rooms, just for today.

∞ DT ∞