โ the process of coming to believe restores me to sanity โ
Posted: Mon, Dec 27, 2010 08:30:37 AM
the strength to move into action comes from this belief. i spent lots of words talking about my process of coming to believe yesterday, even though it may not seem like that is what i did. this whole trip through FEAR to find FAITH, has been one of the most interesting gigs i have ever performed. i do not think that journey is quite complete, but i do believe that i am approaching the next milestone, namely STEP THREE. this particular selection from the daily reading, drives home the point, well at least it does for me.
now a bit of goose for the gander as the saying goes…
i told a sponsee last week, how can i tell where i am going if i do not know where i am. to find out out where i am, i need to compare my current location to where i started. as nice as it would be to have some spiritual GPS system, i have to rely on my observational powers to see where i am. when i first started this segment of my spiritual journey, i was clueless about where i was going, BUT i did have a good idea of where i was at, namely at the end of STEP TWO, believing that i could be restored from my current insanity. for the first time, probably ever, but certainly in my recovery, i had to let go of what i thought my journey was, and arrive at my destination, by letting go. man, oh man, if i am not able to control my recovery process, by moving forward with purpose and vision, i am truly powerless and even worse my life even in this respect is unmanageable. YARGHHH! i mean really, if i carry that thought forward, it was insane to believe that i ever had any control over the recovery process, and that all i had to do was consign this process into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. the implications just start ringing in my ears from there, and as i am just starting to ‘get this’ idea now, i think i will take a step off the belief structure that i ever had much to do with the recovery process.
well when i step out of the hysteria, i see that i do have some power after all. there are three paths for people like me, and here is where the choice is critical. there is active addiction, all i have to do is choose to use, and that path opens up for me, the recovery process ceases and i have exercised power over that process, by choosing the so-called scorched earth alternative. the second path is untreated addiction. although i am not really a strong disease concepter, in this case it does fit. in my life there are numerous examples of what happens to people like me, who stop actively working a program. they wear their clean time like a fVcking badge of honor and although they can spout the principles backwards and forwards their behavior does not even start to approach the ideals they so easily espouse. in short they are suffering, and since they have abdicated responsibility for their recovery, they make those in their lives equally as miserable. i have been there, and i know i can also return there whenever i choose to do so.
this morning i am quite happy being powerless over thee process, because i CHOOSE the third path, ACTIVE RECOVERY. yes it is unnerving not knowing and having to be taught. yes it sucks, that the control freak inside will not be sated anymore, at least in this respect. and yews it sucks that what i thought was a map, was merely a signpost pointing in the direction i need to go. moving forward in FAITH, at least for me is tough, BUT this morning i FEEL it is where i am going, so i might as well surrender and go with the flow. it is after all, the next right thing to do.
so on that note of HOPE, i do believe i will hit the streets and work off some of that Christmas cheer i consumed over the season. after all, if i want to continue to fit into my new clothes, i will need to do the footwork, as it were. which is actually a great metaphor for what i have been talking about the whole time. i am powerless as to the process of my physical fitness, EXCEPT about making the decision to do so, and springing into action.
now a bit of goose for the gander as the saying goes…
i told a sponsee last week, how can i tell where i am going if i do not know where i am. to find out out where i am, i need to compare my current location to where i started. as nice as it would be to have some spiritual GPS system, i have to rely on my observational powers to see where i am. when i first started this segment of my spiritual journey, i was clueless about where i was going, BUT i did have a good idea of where i was at, namely at the end of STEP TWO, believing that i could be restored from my current insanity. for the first time, probably ever, but certainly in my recovery, i had to let go of what i thought my journey was, and arrive at my destination, by letting go. man, oh man, if i am not able to control my recovery process, by moving forward with purpose and vision, i am truly powerless and even worse my life even in this respect is unmanageable. YARGHHH! i mean really, if i carry that thought forward, it was insane to believe that i ever had any control over the recovery process, and that all i had to do was consign this process into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. the implications just start ringing in my ears from there, and as i am just starting to ‘get this’ idea now, i think i will take a step off the belief structure that i ever had much to do with the recovery process.
well when i step out of the hysteria, i see that i do have some power after all. there are three paths for people like me, and here is where the choice is critical. there is active addiction, all i have to do is choose to use, and that path opens up for me, the recovery process ceases and i have exercised power over that process, by choosing the so-called scorched earth alternative. the second path is untreated addiction. although i am not really a strong disease concepter, in this case it does fit. in my life there are numerous examples of what happens to people like me, who stop actively working a program. they wear their clean time like a fVcking badge of honor and although they can spout the principles backwards and forwards their behavior does not even start to approach the ideals they so easily espouse. in short they are suffering, and since they have abdicated responsibility for their recovery, they make those in their lives equally as miserable. i have been there, and i know i can also return there whenever i choose to do so.
this morning i am quite happy being powerless over thee process, because i CHOOSE the third path, ACTIVE RECOVERY. yes it is unnerving not knowing and having to be taught. yes it sucks, that the control freak inside will not be sated anymore, at least in this respect. and yews it sucks that what i thought was a map, was merely a signpost pointing in the direction i need to go. moving forward in FAITH, at least for me is tough, BUT this morning i FEEL it is where i am going, so i might as well surrender and go with the flow. it is after all, the next right thing to do.
so on that note of HOPE, i do believe i will hit the streets and work off some of that Christmas cheer i consumed over the season. after all, if i want to continue to fit into my new clothes, i will need to do the footwork, as it were. which is actually a great metaphor for what i have been talking about the whole time. i am powerless as to the process of my physical fitness, EXCEPT about making the decision to do so, and springing into action.
∞ DT ∞