Blog entry for:

of insanity, is so UNIQUE, there is no way that this path of recovery can ever lead me to a **normal** way of life, so why bother, OR at least that is what i can tell myself, when i want to cull myself from the herd. that lie, as ancient and persistent as it may be, still plays into my decision-making process from time to time today. it is not any different than someone who is **sampling the waters** of our fellowship complaining about how **judge-y** they think all the members happen to be, even though they have yet to actually speak to any of those in attendance. when i need a way out and i think that i cannot find it in the rooms, BOOM, my greatest hits of all-time album of lies and distortions, starts playing on the turntable in my head. as i have discovered more than once, how i see the world and my “insane” reaction to what i observe, is actually no different than most of my peers. there may be a unique case out there, but i am certainly not one of those.
lately my focus has been on what i see and hear from others. most of then time, it is the manifestations of those with whom i share the rooms, that drive the little slings and arrows of my discontent with myself, however this morning it is the snowflake Trump clan that is making consider how i am reacting to the world around me. on of number 45's sons was complaining about is father's scene ending up on the cutting room floor to make room for yet another commercial, up in Canada. of course it was not about the Canadian Broadcast Corporation making a few extra dollars, it had to be the “left-wing, liberal media” removing that scene out of pure spite and malice. one might ask how that relates to me? my answer is that i too, look for motives behind the actions that i perceive to be damaging to my oh so fragile ego. it has to be a conspiracy of those who are jealous or envious of who i am that makes them wish to disparage and disrespect me, when actually it is probably not any of that at all. i am driven to misinterpret the actions of others in my self-centered and self-entitled walk through life.
yup, the nature of my insanity these days is that i am doing so less well than my peers, that they must be at the root of that failure. when i actually stop and rationally consider where i happen to be, i see that i am much better than i used to be and most of what i perceive as glaring missteps and faux pas are simply me showing how f*cking human i actually am. when i actually look at the reality of the situation, i view myself much more harshly than my peers do. i think all of my shortcomings are on display all the time and that my peers spend their spare time picking them apart. that self-centered lie is propping up an ego that is coming to terms with where it is in the relative path to greater sanity and most of the time, it is much further along, than i care to admit. just for today, i will consider what i think in the light of rationality and leave my emotional reactions on teh side of the road.

∞ DT ∞