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my restoration to sanity show up in my day-to-day life, all over the place. and yet, i am starting to come to a place where perhaps this whole twelve step gig is not really as necessary for me to stay clean, than it was decades ago. the one part of my recovery i have done perfectly since September 11th 1997, is to NOT use drugs, just for today. now that my sponsor and i are at a loss about what needs to happen for me to work through steps six through nine, the notion that what i believed i have to do to stay clean, may need to be altered. perhaps i have made enough trips through the steps to stay clean and live a life based on the recovery program i have been given. i am still an addict, that i do not doubt and i still need some sort of POWER to provide me the strength to stay clean, just for today. the question that is arising in my mind, is maybe i have worked enough step cycles to live clean and comfortably within STEPS TEN, ELEVEN and TWELVE. of course that just may be a bit of insanity creeping back into my life! 🤣
this morning as i sat, what i heard when the noise of being alone in my home for four days, finally subsided, was that i no longer “feel” the insanity of forcing the world to spin the way i want it to and in being disappointed and pissed off when it does not. i have been witness to that sort of behavior from a peer or two and my behavior in reaction and adamant obstruction to their self-will run riot, took me to my knees and allowed me the freedom to see that perhaps i did actually need to formally work STEP SIX, for the fifth time. after speaking with my sponse, the pressure to “do something” was released and instead of going over “old” material, closer and periodic contact with him, was what this addict needs. that “something” is strengthening a connection and not driving myself down into self-deprecation. a few days later, i see that as a distinct possibility and am entirely ready to give it a try.
the other thing that he suggested was to find the ways and means to do stuff, just for me. i may not be looking forward to that winter hike on a thirteener, but hiking is something i have come to enjoy and my Christmas bounty included the gear i need to have to make that something i can do, and do in style and comfort. even though he specifically mentioned that taking care of my physical health through exercise does not count, i have to admit, that i do find joy in the quiet of running. the time has come to put this to bed and get properly geared up for a quick trip around the 'hood. finding the ways and means to look better, live better and feel better about myself is certainly one sign of a bit of sanity that has been returned to my life, just for today.

∞ DT ∞