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i begin to understand that even my peculiar brand of insanity is nothing in the face of this POWER.
no apologies, no caveats, no excuses, you know what i am and am not, so it can go without saying. i will say this about my history, unlike one or more of my peers, i no longer bear any grudges or resentments towards the understanding of GOD, that i was brought up with. in fact, finally, at least for today, i can look back and see that it was more than simple rebellion that gave me the desire to seek something more, and that more had to come from outside of the narrowly defined, culturally acceptable version i was given. i was about to write about a major judgement i have about many who follow that tradition, but instead have decided to move along.
my recent brand of insanity, and yes i am still insane in many instances even after a few thousand days in a row clean, was purely about where i have arrived in the journey to feel the presence of the POWER that fuels my recovery and the means to develop my conscious contact with that POWER. the insanity? well, it was that because of where i am going, i am too different and yes even unique in the fellowship, to remain a member. after all, i am so far away from the norm, that there is no possible was i can continue a recovery journey with the peers who have chosen to be part of my life. while it is true, i am having difficulty finding the language to share my experience, strength and hope, on this part of my journey, i am beginning to see, that any separation is an insane act, and as i rebel against what i could think is being shoved down my throat, i am, actually dismissing the very people who can provide me what i NEED to learn today to stay clean. it is totally insane to come to believe that my spiritual path, while not mainstream, leads me away from the source of that path. if it was not for recovery and the people who give this clueless addict the clues he needs to live today. yes the POWER that fuels my recovery, cannot be rightfully called “GOD” or even “MY SWEET LORD,” that does not mean that i cannot be a part of this fellowship. it actually strengthens my resolve to be a member and allow myself the freedom to be a bit more today than i was yesterday. in my perfect life, such as it is, it is all about being a little bit less insane today, and allowing that POWER to guide me to further sanity as this day progresses. life is good this morning and it is time to sweep the snow again, after all it does snow in December here in Colorado.

∞ DT ∞