โ the insanity of my addiction recedes into the past as i begin experiencing moments of sanity in my recovery โ
Posted: Sat, Dec 27, 2008 08:51:21 AM
my belief grows as i begin to understand that insanity is nothing in the face of a POWER GREATER THAN ME. growing a belief sounds kind of new-age and spacey to me, or at least it once did. it was difficult for this addict to accept that he was insane on any level, therefore, there was no restoration needed in my life, than you very much, next step please!
so here i sit, thousands of days later, contemplating the nature of growing a belief and the direction of my sanity this morning. i think i will deal with the former first and leave the latter for a bit right now.
for me, the coming to believe process, is like a very delicate plant that was planted in a very inhospitable environment. i was far from prone to jump on this whole spiritual bandwagon, and of all the ideas i was the most resistant to, the whole GOD concept was the abhorrent to me. i need not go into that phase of my spiritual development as i have covered that ground before. so into this environment the seed of believing that a "POWER GREATER THAN ME, had the ability to restore me" to a state that i already believed i was in, was to say the least a bit ludicrous to me. my first sponsor very patiently worked me through this, using more than a little bit of sophistry, and got me to finally accept the possibility that i may not be as sane as i believed i was, and that the process of restoration to a state that i could not remember MAY be just the ticket. so the seed of that belief, got its first drink of water and moved from the barren rocky place on which it had landed to a bit of soil. that seed, ridiculous as its beginnings were, has grown into the FAITH that sustains my recovery today. i gratefully acknowledge that i am still insane, and that the process of restoration is still ongoing. i can see where i have come from, am clueless about where i am going, and doing my best to focus on the process and let the outcome be as it may. the fact that i am continuing the recovery process by formally writing a tenth step assignment is in and of itself proof that i am becoming more sane, and from that sanity, springs my desire to stay clean one more day. and that desire feeds the process of restoration to sanity, in a tighter and tighter feedback loop. i get more sane -> i have the desire to do what it takes to stay clean today -> i get further restored to sanity…
anyhow, all of this is nice, but as i have taken the past two days off, and as i am going on vacation in eight days, it is time to head off to work and get some ducats in my pocket. back at you in the next 24.
so here i sit, thousands of days later, contemplating the nature of growing a belief and the direction of my sanity this morning. i think i will deal with the former first and leave the latter for a bit right now.
for me, the coming to believe process, is like a very delicate plant that was planted in a very inhospitable environment. i was far from prone to jump on this whole spiritual bandwagon, and of all the ideas i was the most resistant to, the whole GOD concept was the abhorrent to me. i need not go into that phase of my spiritual development as i have covered that ground before. so into this environment the seed of believing that a "POWER GREATER THAN ME, had the ability to restore me" to a state that i already believed i was in, was to say the least a bit ludicrous to me. my first sponsor very patiently worked me through this, using more than a little bit of sophistry, and got me to finally accept the possibility that i may not be as sane as i believed i was, and that the process of restoration to a state that i could not remember MAY be just the ticket. so the seed of that belief, got its first drink of water and moved from the barren rocky place on which it had landed to a bit of soil. that seed, ridiculous as its beginnings were, has grown into the FAITH that sustains my recovery today. i gratefully acknowledge that i am still insane, and that the process of restoration is still ongoing. i can see where i have come from, am clueless about where i am going, and doing my best to focus on the process and let the outcome be as it may. the fact that i am continuing the recovery process by formally writing a tenth step assignment is in and of itself proof that i am becoming more sane, and from that sanity, springs my desire to stay clean one more day. and that desire feeds the process of restoration to sanity, in a tighter and tighter feedback loop. i get more sane -> i have the desire to do what it takes to stay clean today -> i get further restored to sanity…
anyhow, all of this is nice, but as i have taken the past two days off, and as i am going on vacation in eight days, it is time to head off to work and get some ducats in my pocket. back at you in the next 24.
∞ DT ∞