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that gives me relief? once upon a time, i could answer that question by what happened to be in the bag or bottle within my easy reach. those times are gone, by choice today, but gone nevertheless. from time to time, buying something bigger, brighter and shinier, filled that same need, but the luster soon wears off and i am stuck with yet another something to add to my closet of misfit toys. no these days, the only means i find for relieving the symptoms of life on life's terms., is action and connection to the POWER that fuels my recovery. if one is paying attention, it is quite evident that i sashayed my way past the whole issue about HOW i maintain that connection. sometimes a flurry of “jazz hands” might be needed to make what i think fit into the constraints that i believe are imposed upon me, by my peers.
that is quite an interesting place to end up, after a single paragraph, and yet for me, it is more than a bit germane. part of the issue i have had with moving to where i am, spiritually, has been that i thought i had to work within the boundaries of a Western notion of spirituality. even though, time and again, i have heard it said, that i am FREE to choose my own path, my head added “as long as you stay within the confines of this spiritual tradition.” sort of like being a Methodist versus a Presbyterian. i could stray, but never too far. when i finally gave myself permission to pay more than lip service to the concept of being FREE TO CHOOSE, a whole new world opened up for me, and now i find myself looking down the barrel of a gun, that may change things even more and it is still scaring the living shite out of me. as a result my action has come to a halt and i cling tightly to my notion of prayer, in the faint HOPE that maybe i can be okay, without actually looking at the nature of my spiritual journey and how that journey is manifest in my life.
moving into the here and now, and leaving the yesterdays and tomorrows for another time, i feel connected today to a fellowship that has taught me how to live. to my peers, who demonstrate how they do this gig, just for today. to myself as i explore what is going on inside and who i am expressing that externally and to a POWER that fuels my recovery. i have no doubts what would happen if i decided that maybe something legal, could soothe my savage breast. as i prepare to step out into the real world and deal with the stuff i need to deal with today. i am certain that my job today is to PAY ATTENTION and respond appropriately. i cannot be worrying about where i might be going, or which path might be the better one to take, because both of those question have already been asked and answered, now it is up to me, to implement those answers in my day.

∞ DT ∞